Thursday, March 08, 2007

Tonight is the first night...

...in 17 years when I have been truly alone in my own place.

PARENTHETICAL EMOTIONAL WARNING: If you think it's silly for a grown man to get weepy over a cat -- which is, after all, just an animal -- just do us both a favor and go the hell away now, please.

Hobbes is spending the night at the vet. With luck, he'll be home tomorrow. I'd feel better if I was in hospital; at least I'd know what was wrong and what could be done. He's there, in a strange place...I can't imagine how frightened he must be.

And I can't begin to explain how lonely I am. It's not that he's noisy; he's not. Nor is he the kind of cat who needs constant attention. When he wants me, he comes in and lets me know. The rest of the time, he's happy to do whatever it is cats do.

But he's not sleeping on the chair next to the desk, or curled up on the couch. He won't wander in to remind me he's hungry. Tonight when I go to bed, he won't curl up next to me. Worse, he won't be waking me up in the morning -- so I'll feed him, of course -- with a gentle paw to the face.

I've always known a day would come when he wouldn't be here. But I'm not ready to face it yet. Of all the things I have lost or have had taken away from me, losing him may well be the worst.

He has never done a thing to hurt me. I've taken care of his needs, and he has done the same for me. He has known when I was unhappy and has stuck close so I could feel the warmth of some living being that loves me. He has adjusted to living with four different cats, three dogs and three women (one of the women was a particular favorite of his which, in hindsight, I think showed remarkable good taste on his part), and has been loyal to me throughout.

I have every reason to think I'll be able to bring him home tomorrow. Tonight, though, I'm getting a taste of what complete loneliness is like.

It hurts, in a way more frightening than I can say.

7 comments:

DAL said...

While I was living at my own place, I was indifferent to Barq, and he was to me, whenever I would stop by at Wifey's place. After being here for three years, Barq and I have developed routines, and I can't imagine not seeing him curled up in his bed by the glass doors, or him not jumping up on the bed, rubbing his nose against my face and then settling down beside me. Hell, he likes to go out on the balcony with me when I go out for a smoke.

I can't guess at the extent of your feelings, but I understand why you feel them.

betty said...

Your post brings tears to my eyes. I know how you feel. I hope and pray that Hobbes is all right and will be home with you tomorrow. I know how lonely you must feel and I'm sorry. {{{{{hugs}}}}}

Birdie said...

I almost had the chance to meet him.... I hope he returns to you VERY SOON! you know that I understand......

HarpO'Fly said...

I hope he's OK. It sounds good that they seem to think he'll recover.

Anonymous said...

Awww...Scribbs. Our pets are part of the family. I understand completely. I hope he makes a full recovery and is back home with you again soon. *HUGS*

Gill

Anonymous said...

Heres hoping for a safe and healthy return of Hobbes. Being alone sucks...
WOof

Anonymous said...

Hobbes is in my thoughts. I'm sure he knows that you're thinking about him and that will give him strength.

-Lauren