I wish I was a politician...

...so I could spew any tripe that wandered through my mind and it would not only get lots of attention from the press, but would actually convince some gullible people out there that I know what I'm talking about.

Could you manage to say that you're not advocating amnesty when you say people who have broken our laws should get a preferred place on the "path to citizenship?" Could you write, much less speak up in favor of, a "comprehensive immigration bill" that threatens to add more than 100 million people, most well below the poverty level, to our population over the next 20 years? Could you ignore the impending job losses, increased taxes and other hazards your constituents will face as a result of such idiocy?

And could you possibly take a call from Mexico's el Presidente and assure him you'll open the borders to his people and that you don't mean to put any obstacles in his citizens' way when the slimy creep's own government treats illegal immigrants (not to mention the poor citizens who choose to stay in his country) with brutality?

I couldn't. I don't think you could, either.

But George Bush can. So can John McCain. Not to mention Arlen Specter, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi and a host of buffoons like them who have made a good thing for themselves out of talking out of both sides of their over-large mouths. And not just on immigration; they are so insulated, so selfish, that they'll sell ordinary citizens out for anything that gives them personal or political advantage.

Nothing new about that. Ted Kennedy is a master of the art, has been perfecting his specious, sanctimonious act for years, and the chumps of Massachusetts have been eating it up for years.

Actually, that's not why I'd like to be a politician. It's the perks. And the fact that I wouldn't have to show up for work very often.

I really don't want to sell anyone out. Well, maybe some people, such as those outside the country who wish us harm.

In fact, I'd much rather do some nice things for people: help them keep their jobs, stay healthy, drive on nice roads, not be pushed down by a heavy tax burden. All those things are possible, you know.

But boy, it would be fun to know that I could say any damn thing I want, pass any ridiculous bill I want with the help of the other fools in Congress, funnel wealth to my buds, get monuments built to myself, live in unwarranted luxury and still look like a "statesman."

It'd be kind of like living in Pee-Wee Herman's playhouse, only without the funny music.