Sunday, August 05, 2007

Never mind...

...the stuff in the last entry.

It's all trivial.

It's the things I am not sadistic enough to make you read about that make me feel hopeless. Ready to jack it all in.

Sadly, my subconscious is masochistic enough to bring up those subjects almost every night. I dread sleep these days because I know what's waiting on the other side.

Out-of-my-reach things. Impossible things. What-might-have-been things.

Delusions, carefully nurtured for a time then painfully torn away.

I face a future of an unending stream of lonely days and nights, and am too scarred by the past to put any effort into changing what now seems inevitable. And, from time to time, I am reminded anew of the futility of desiring anything. Or anyone.

It's not that I don't want to care. I have no reason to care.

Without that, it's game over. Time to hang up the uniform and forget all about taking the field again.

7 comments:

greeneyes67 said...

When I feel that way I welcome sleep, it's my only relief. Hope you feel better soon.

MrScribbler said...

greeneyes -- I would welcome sleep, too. But that's where the ghosts of the past are hanging out these days.

sugarcane said...

Sounds like we're in the same boat, and I'm guessing we're heading to Maui.

MrScribbler said...

Maui, sugar? I'm afraid they'd throw me out...would scare off too many tourists....

John said...

No hang it up. Wait out the ghosts like Scrooge did and eventually you'll know the key. I've tried to tell myself that at times.

justfly said...

:(

Anonymous said...

I'm with justfly- :-(
I'm too familiar with this feeling...

-you can stay in the Smokehouse till you get the lean-to finished...
;-)

Woofster