I'm not as much of a jerk as some people think...

...although I'm not especially pleased with my mood right now.

Most of the time, I don't harbor vengeful thoughts about anyone. Not Fidel Castro, who is rumored to have been reduced to room temperature in the last day or so; not Michael Vick, dog-killer; not even Jorge Bush, thanks to whom Ignacio Ramos, Jose Compean and Gil Hernandez are unjustly imprisoned.

I'm perfectly happy to see nature take its course with each of the above, and scores of others like them. Nothing to do with me.

But I am wishing for some payback-time for a select few individuals, and that makes me angry at myself. In the normal way of things, that is unacceptable. I am more a lover than an angry, vengeful bastard.

To be more precise, I guess I'm angry with God, whomever/whatever God may be. And I'm angry with those who, in school, church and, later, shul, taught me the precepts I try to live by. I'm not saying I always succeed; but I try, damnit.

In particular, it seems incredibly lame to have a system in which "the sun shines equally on the righteous and unrighteous."

I say what I mean, and mean what I say. When I make a promise, you can take it, if not to the bank, at least to heart. And, fool that I am, I expect others to do the same.

I really, really want to take a rip at a couple of people right now, Jim.

For the record, I am awful at "getting over it." It may be the thing I'm worst at doing. And knowing that those who have taken advantage of me thrive fills me not with pleasure, but anger.

I know very damn well that if the roles had been reversed, I would be a pariah, a typical heartless, out-for-one-thing male. But since I was on the receiving end, that's perfectly fine, and I should "get over it."

I haven't gotten over it, fellow babies. And at this stage, I'm beginning to fear I never will.

If you knew the whole story -- which only four people (those involved, plus one very close friend) know, and they ain't talkin' -- you might understand. But part of my training tells me I don't open up with guns blazing on people who might be hurt. So you're not likely to know.

And I must admit if those involved wanted to come back into my life, they'd find that the promises I made are still in effect.

Not that it's any more likely to happen than a lottery win or a sudden nomination for the Nobel Prize.

It's not good to learn that what you prize about yourself makes you a freekin' chump.

There's a dichotomy here I can't reconcile.

All I can think is that I need some serious Jim Beam therapy.

And if God wants my attention, he/she/it better damn well show me that there is a reward for being honorable. Otherwise, I may just remain a bitter, soulless, self-centered creep. It works for others, you know.