Friday, August 24, 2007

I'm not as much of a jerk as some people think...

...although I'm not especially pleased with my mood right now.

Most of the time, I don't harbor vengeful thoughts about anyone. Not Fidel Castro, who is rumored to have been reduced to room temperature in the last day or so; not Michael Vick, dog-killer; not even Jorge Bush, thanks to whom Ignacio Ramos, Jose Compean and Gil Hernandez are unjustly imprisoned.

I'm perfectly happy to see nature take its course with each of the above, and scores of others like them. Nothing to do with me.

But I am wishing for some payback-time for a select few individuals, and that makes me angry at myself. In the normal way of things, that is unacceptable. I am more a lover than an angry, vengeful bastard.

To be more precise, I guess I'm angry with God, whomever/whatever God may be. And I'm angry with those who, in school, church and, later, shul, taught me the precepts I try to live by. I'm not saying I always succeed; but I try, damnit.

In particular, it seems incredibly lame to have a system in which "the sun shines equally on the righteous and unrighteous."

I say what I mean, and mean what I say. When I make a promise, you can take it, if not to the bank, at least to heart. And, fool that I am, I expect others to do the same.

I really, really want to take a rip at a couple of people right now, Jim.

For the record, I am awful at "getting over it." It may be the thing I'm worst at doing. And knowing that those who have taken advantage of me thrive fills me not with pleasure, but anger.

I know very damn well that if the roles had been reversed, I would be a pariah, a typical heartless, out-for-one-thing male. But since I was on the receiving end, that's perfectly fine, and I should "get over it."

I haven't gotten over it, fellow babies. And at this stage, I'm beginning to fear I never will.

If you knew the whole story -- which only four people (those involved, plus one very close friend) know, and they ain't talkin' -- you might understand. But part of my training tells me I don't open up with guns blazing on people who might be hurt. So you're not likely to know.

And I must admit if those involved wanted to come back into my life, they'd find that the promises I made are still in effect.

Not that it's any more likely to happen than a lottery win or a sudden nomination for the Nobel Prize.

It's not good to learn that what you prize about yourself makes you a freekin' chump.

There's a dichotomy here I can't reconcile.

All I can think is that I need some serious Jim Beam therapy.

And if God wants my attention, he/she/it better damn well show me that there is a reward for being honorable. Otherwise, I may just remain a bitter, soulless, self-centered creep. It works for others, you know.


Interested said...

We are very similiar, Scib.

I should've copied and pasted that line you wrote, something about a chump. Btw, I don't like it that here the entry doesn't load with the comment area as it does at JS.

Anyways.....I try not to talk about the "thing you can't get over" because myself and others have said tons of things to you about it before. You have to WANT to be over it I suppose. I've been where you're at and right now am there in a different way.

Look for the light at the end of the tunnel.

Bah, forget it.


MrScribbler said...

Int -- I'd love to look for the light at the end of the tunnel...but there has to be a light....

betty said...

Interested: If you click on show original post at the top you see the whole post. Pretty neat.

MrS, I do understand how you feel. Only my sisters know how I feel every time I see my ex like I did last's like "you crazy nut, why did you leave this wonderful man?" Maybe that's how the person who hurt you feels. I do wish you could find happiness. I believe you will if you can ever get over the hurt.

Interested said...

Hot damn Betty, you're a genuis, LOL.

We love ya Scrib. And I ain't no two timing whatever woman. Frank musta got burned.

sugarcane said...

You're stepping into the next stage of grief and it's okay to take as much time as you need to get through each phase. Anger will lead to acceptance, you'll see.

I'm about to give you a hug, and I want you to know that I NEVER DO THAT! I just thought you might need one.

(( HUGS ))

John said...

My way has yielded no great results, so it may not be valid. I don't figure life owes me anything.
What is accepted is not the same for both sexes. No changing it.
I envy the fact that you are so much more confident in what you have to offer than I am regarding myself. Maybe if I felt that way I would fault a couple of people more than I do.

Cherish said...

Mmm, a lot of this could have been written by ME...