Friday, June 16, 2006

The whole truth...

...is not something you're going to get from me. At least not now, and not as it relates to the weight that is pressing down on me these days.

Yes, the new computer has turned out to be a Good Thing. That it took me maybe 12 hours total to set up, reinstall necessary stuff -- typing in my email address list, for example, and getting the passwords for the websites I use for work -- and get all the factory-installed junk out of the machine, was to be expected, I guess.

But the rest is, well, not so damn good.

I don't mind challenges, never have. But it seems to me that one should be able to see the possibility of some future reward for dealing with adversity. I can't see anything like that right now.

Writing about what I do see ahead would only bring you down. And bring me farther down, too.

It's easy to be critical of people who have trouble carrying the load, especially when you have a support system behind you. When you are secure in the knowledge that others have picked you up -- or will pick you up -- when you fall, or be there when you take that leap into the unknown, when you have people who cheer your every move, those who are without such support can seem incredibly weak and whiny.

And it's easy to be critical when someone you hurt is shattered by your actions. Especially when you helped create the situation that made them vulnerable to you.

I think that's all I want to say right now. I'm getting too close to telling you the truth about why I'm in this state of mind. Trust me when I tell you that would not be a good idea.

3 comments:

astoopidmonkey said...

"And it's easy to be critical when someone you hurt is shattered by your actions. Especially when you helped create the situation that made them vulnerable to you."

this speaks to me so loudly at this moment.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you are not feeling ok, and are having a hard time of it.

I send you *hugss* with all sincerity. Thinking of you and will say a special prayer too.

~~ Judy ~~ from Country Side Memories

Anonymous said...

I hope you get it all sorta out. I know I don't move forward like I should.
Roz