Sunday, June 04, 2006

Brutal honesty.

I am terribly unhappy.

It appears I am to blame for the situation that has brought me to as desperately low a state as I have ever known.

It doesn’t matter if I fully understand exactly what I did, or even if I could somehow offer an explanation or clarification. Motives aren’t important; results are. The results have been made painfully clear to me.

I screwed up. And I will be paying for it as long as I live.

So I can’t carry on in the spirit of the previous entry and give you a businesslike accounting of where I stand with the world. As far as I’m concerned, the value of my stock is zero.

It's going to be a long time until I can look in the mirror and not feel loathing for the face I see there.

For a time today, I felt a strong desire to simply make this journal vanish. That has weakened a bit so, for now, it stays. I may even be able to write in it, more-or-less as usual. Tomorrow, the day after, sometime.

The full, terrible weight of loneliness and loss is on me tonight.

If it is something you are comfortable doing, pray for me tonight. Pray that I will be forgiven for what was unintentional. Pray for the happiness of the one I upset. Pray that I can forgive myself for stupidly losing what was dearest to my heart.

And pray that I can find something worthwhile in a life that doesn’t seem terribly attractive right now.

I’m afraid God isn’t listening to me tonight.


lovezao said...

I will pray for you tonight Mr. Scribbler. There have been many nights when I thought I needed someone else to pray for me because God would listen to them and not me. He is listening to you, though.

DAL said...

I don't see how someone such as yourself could cause pain to anyone, intentionally or otherwise, so I think you are probably being dealt with over-harshly.

As you say, it seems the results are more important than the motives, which is unfair.

I don't pray, neither can I 'send positive energy' your way, as some say. I can only hope that you find the strength to carry on, knowing in your heart that you are a better man than what others in your life are seeing.

MrScribbler said...

Thank you, lovezao.

dal, your thoughts are a kind of prayer. They help me.

HarpO'Fly said...

Self loathing is no fun, and usually misplaced.
But it is still a habit that has been with me for awhile. I hope you find yourself free of it very soon, if not right now.

Wishing for a better tomorrow.

Kit said...

Lots of wisdom in these comments. I'm sure you are your worst critic. I for one am glad you haven't deleted your journal. I will be sending you positive energy (I'm really bad at praying :).

Birdie said...

are you back to seeing everything black and white? so, you messed up (you say)... don't we all? I have been reading you sooooo long, and have had the priviledge to meet you personallly, and I have a pretty POSITIVE impression of Scribby!
I could tell you how often I have screwed up, hurt people, destroyed friendships... does it help to dwell on them? nope...
take care Scribby... and continue writing about what you feel... but also look for the positive stuff around you...
how's Hobb's doing? *wink*

HarpO'Fly said...

I have an idea for guys like us. We should form a gang. Arm ourselves heavily of course, then set out to terrorize the Man. Or just picik up easy money through criminal activity. It sounds rewarding and fulfilling to me.

Class factotum said...

I agree with Dal -- that you are probably not being dealt with fairly. You seem like a great guy to me. I'm sorry you are suffering like this. I do pray and I will pray for you. I hope things get better soon.


MrScribbler said...

Thank you, too, C-F.

I'm not quite ready to terrorize The Man yet, harp o'fly, though I agree some terrorizing would be in order.

I'd make a lousy criminal...I'm too willing to make amends for my mistakes!

Princess Dragon Mom said...

I will pray for you. I'm seemingly on the other side of the coin in a relationship... being more at ease with our imperfections because I'd self-loathe if I drove my loved one to the state you're in.

Hang in there. Having been there myself, I can say you will be well after it all shakes out, but be gentle with yourself in the meantime. Peace.

susananne said...

I will pray Mr Scribs...(( hugs ))