I am terribly unhappy.
It appears I am to blame for the situation that has brought me to as desperately low a state as I have ever known.
It doesn’t matter if I fully understand exactly what I did, or even if I could somehow offer an explanation or clarification. Motives aren’t important; results are. The results have been made painfully clear to me.
I screwed up. And I will be paying for it as long as I live.
So I can’t carry on in the spirit of the previous entry and give you a businesslike accounting of where I stand with the world. As far as I’m concerned, the value of my stock is zero.
It's going to be a long time until I can look in the mirror and not feel loathing for the face I see there.
For a time today, I felt a strong desire to simply make this journal vanish. That has weakened a bit so, for now, it stays. I may even be able to write in it, more-or-less as usual. Tomorrow, the day after, sometime.
The full, terrible weight of loneliness and loss is on me tonight.
If it is something you are comfortable doing, pray for me tonight. Pray that I will be forgiven for what was unintentional. Pray for the happiness of the one I upset. Pray that I can forgive myself for stupidly losing what was dearest to my heart.
And pray that I can find something worthwhile in a life that doesn’t seem terribly attractive right now.
I’m afraid God isn’t listening to me tonight.
1 day ago