Saturday, December 09, 2006

Me and my...

...shadow...



It's another one of those Saturday nights. With the concerns about immediate disaster lifted (as I said before, thanks to a great friend and not my fershlugginer* clients), I have spent much of today attempting to get work done. When, that is, the cat wasn't bugging me. He doesn't seem to like the various kinds of food I've been giving him and has come in every half-hour to demand that I open yet another can for him.

Of course I'll do that. Who else do I have to show any love to?

Yes, this is one of those bitter, lonely entries that make you -- and me -- cringe. Nobody likes self-pity or whining and, in this case at least, that includes the self-pitying whiner.

I've been thinking a lot about God, a dangerous subject. I have to wonder why this Supreme Being (in whom I believe in some fashion) decided to show me exactly what I needed to make me feel I had a reason to be here, and then cunningly contrived to keep it forever beyond my reach.

If I allowed myself to use personal experience to define the whole God-thing, I'd have a pretty twisted vision of Him (or Her, or It). I regularly send up little messages asking for some help for friends who are in a bad way, and those often seem to be answered. I have to conclude God must have a pollster Up There, and when popular opinion shifts in favor of any given person, positive action is taken. So it's not my request that does the trick; it's that I am one of many people asking for the same thing.

Conversely, when I ask for things for myself ("let her mean what she promised me, let her be who she claimed to be") I am, to use the vernacular, SOL. Or FUBAR. Or Tango Uniform.

PARENTHETICAL THOUGHT: If those of you who know about the dung that has been hitting my personal fan are guessing that someone has been showing up in my sleep again, you're right. I haven't heard from her in many moons, try not to think of her in my waking hours, yet she is a relentless nocturnal visitor. I have yet to figure out which is worse: good dreams about her or bad ones.

I'm coming to realize, as never before, that I am at heart a social animal. A social animal who is given minimal opportunity to socialize.

Maybe all God wants from me is work. I don't know. I'd hate to think that my sole function in this life is to churn out the crap I produce for my clients.

ANOTHER PARENTHETICAL THOUGHT: I know it's not all crap. Some of it is damn good. But as each month's unsold magazines are yanked off the store shelves and returned to the publisher, I am once again irrelevant. Until, that is, the next month's issues are displayed, when I become marginal, one of those who fill the white spaces between ads.

I'm making no sense tonight. Perhaps it is time to wrap myself in the arms of Mr J Beam and try to forget that another week has gone by, another lonely week in which all I have managed to do is survive. I have made no one happy. No one has made me happy (at least in the sense I'm concerned with at the moment).

Who the hell cares? There are bigger worries in the world. And I know damn well she is getting her adoration elsewhere. That it centered around her most superficial attributes and doesn't involve actually caring about her well-being apparently matters to her not at all.

It's supposed to rain tonight. I hope it does. I have no desire to go anywhere I can go, anyway. The rain will give me the excuse I need.

Even music brings no solace tonight.

If there is anything worse in life than caring about those who don't even want to know I exist, I can't imagine it.

The cat wants me to care. So I do....

Having him here is far, far better than having nothing at all to care about.

* One of my favorite MAD magazine words from the 1950s and '60s, along with "Axolotl" and "Veeblefetzer."

10 comments:

betty said...

I hope this works. I tried to leave a comment about the rear view mirror in the car and no go.

I've wondered about some of the same things you're talking about, MrS. I wonder why God answers some prayers and not others. I've come to the conclusion that everything is decided before you're ever born. Pre-destiny or something like that. I was always taught that it's a sin to question God but I don't think so. I don't queston His existence, just my understanding of why good things happen to bad people and vice versa.

I guess someday we'll know the answers. Hope you have a nice Sunday. {{hugs}}

Sally said...

I know you may find this hard to believe, because I seem like such a together person, right? ;) but, I have felt the way you are feeling now. Questioning God and why my life has been a certain way, all over a relationship gone awry. I think I have finally let it go as much as I can. Sometimes he pops into my mind again, but I have to give thanks that I have a wonderful family now and a good husband. I think everything that happens to us is a lesson of some kind. Sometimes we don't know what it is. We just have to trust that it is the way it is suppose to be for now. I know you won't be lonely forever. It's just something you're going through. It will come to you, truly it will. You may never forget what happened (I don't know what happened??) but you will be thankful when something comes and takes it's (her) place. Now I am the one not making any sense, oh well, maybe we can understand each other then! Have a great weekend, MrScribbler! :)

DAL said...

Some day one will come along and make you holler "Potrzebie!"

Interested said...

I had a great comment in my head but then I read the ones that are here and mine went right out the door.

*think*

God answers prayers 3 ways, "yes," "no," "maybe/not now." Just because He hasn't answered something doesn't mean He won't.

Birdie said...

you already know what I think, and I hate repeating myself. I can only agree with the other comments... we ALL have moments when we wonder why we exist at all... yeh, even I've had those moments! But in the end all changes, lights shine and you wonder how you could have ever doubted! You have so many talents that are being wasted... put them to work, even it's for some charity and not for hard cash... get out there! it's hard, I know... {{{hugs}}}

2nd attempt.. grrr .. code LOOKS ok...

corn pie said...

I know what you mean about God, but the clarity has come back for me at least. You said, " A social animal who is given minimal opportunity to socialize."

You have to create those opportunities dear...you cannot expect them to always be so obvious.

lowandslow said...

I believe things happen (or DON'T happen) for a reason. I gave up a long time ago trying to figure it out. The important thing is that one doesn't give up, ever. I know that's brutally hard to do, being knocked down time and again, but eventually perseverance will pay off. :)

MrScribbler said...

dal -- I should have included "potrzebie," of course. I must go back and re-read my collection and spice up my vocabulary once more.

KauaiFinn said...

Who is "she"?

Being stuck on a certain untouchable special someone from the past (or present) keeps our doors closed to allowing entry for some new special someone to come into our lives.

(At least that is my belief - and experience...)

In hopes to give you a chuckle, or at the very least: put a smile on your face, i'll share some of my favorite God quotes:

“...you wonder if God doesn’t have an answering machine to screen out the prayers of the venal and the boring? And in which category has he placed you?” – Tom Robbins

“Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on thee
And I’ll forgive thy great big ones on me.” - Robert Frost

"I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." – Winston Churchill

"If God has Cable, we are on the 24 hour Doofus network." – Will Durst

**hugs** and Aloooooooha!

MrScribbler said...

Mission accomplished, KF...you got a smile....