Wednesday, December 27, 2006

I really wonder...

...if someone, or something, is trying to send me a message.

Anyone who has read more than one or two entries here know this has been a bad year for me. Beyond bad, really; it has aged me considerably and has crushed some of my cherished dreams and beliefs. It has also brought me to a place where, like a fighter who has been knocked out but doesn't quite know it yet, I stagger around, waiting blindly for the next blow to land, not knowing from what direction or source it will come.

Didn't have to wait long today.

While I was struggling with a recalcitrant story that must be finished this afternoon, I received a call. A story that was to be done next week will have to be delayed for a variety of reasons, none of which have to do with me.

I was looking forward to doing this one. Not only was it to be an exclusive for me, but arrangements had been made to sell it to two non-competing publications simultaneously. Thus, two paychecks instead of one, which is of course desirable.

The story will still be written. But the delay moves it past a publication deadline, which means that instead of having to wait two or so months for payment, I won't see any return for at least three or four months.

At the best of times, that would be something of a blow. As matters are these days, with other clients apparently locked into ultra-slow pay mode and my debts steadily increasing, it is intolerable.

And that brings me to the question that haunts me: when does the downward spiral stop? When are losses to be replaced with gains?

I don't know how I managed to speak calmly with the person who broke the news to me. I made it sound, as I had to, as if it was a minor problem.

Only I -- and now you -- know that it has taken the last remaining wind right out of my sails.

What good is keeping your focus on the horizon when you have been deprived of the ability to take any steps toward it?

Some religious people believe God will not load more difficulty on anyone than they can stand. I have to say I disagree. My burden, the combined weight of personal and business betrayals, seem beyond my strength.


dkmcb01 said...

Grrrr that sucks Scrib!!!! Assholes the whole lot of them!!! Give me their numbers and I will call and yell at them repeatedly!!!

Anonymous said...

Lately, I've been saying to myself this when I need to feel better: There are only two things that I hate-- everything and everybody. Heh.


Birdie said...

sorry... I'm speechless!
I'd like to join dkmcb01 and thrash thows dudes up a bunch!!

lowandslow said...

It's like watching a train wreck in slow motion. I wish I had an honest answer to your question, Scribbs. Look at it this way: What are your options? Persevere, knowing there is only one way to go (up)? Chuck it all, hop a freight train and ride the rails? Complete career change? Diversify, find another genre of writing to augment your automotive specialty? A dozen years ago I was in approximately the same position. I felt I was too old for a career change (and I liked what I did) and everyone I knew was in my industry anyway, so there was no one to network with. So I stuck it out, and eventually pulled out of my nosedive before I made a deep, smoking hole. As I've said many times, ups and downs in life are inevitable. As deep as your "down" is, that means your eventual "up" will be stratospheric. Which leaves your original question unanswered...WHEN????

Laura said...

Mr. Scrib, I know what you mean about getting more than you can handle. It certainly happens. I hope in this case you find a way to overcome. Let me know if I can help in any way.

picaboblu said...

I have little tolerance for platitudes like God not giving us more than we can handle--it happens every day.

There's really only keep going or give up.

I chose to keep going. I've had to totally revamp my career because MS doesn't allow me to do what I loved doing. I'm still in the same field, just coming at it from a different direction. And guess what, now I love what I'm doing just as much as what I used to do.

Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Oh Scribs! I don't even know what to say. It's not fair that some people have to endure so much crap. Have a drink. It sure is making ME feel better.


joan said...

Aaargh. Sorry to hear things are tough and hope you see a turn around soon. There is nothing fair about life as far as I can see but you must be due a break, eh. Hang in there.

October said...

There are only a few more days left in this year... I wish you the very best in the New Year and much love and joy that you so richly deserve! *big hug*

likeisaid said...

Things will get better. They can only be bad for a while then you start seeing improvements. Look at us, we had given up! Not much has changed except our attitudes but we're determined to turn things around.

Just hang in there MrS, I have faith that things are going to change for you!

Or better yet, let Kelly handle them. :))

KauaiFinn said...

i agree with you in having a serious disagreement with the saying that God will not give u more weight that u can carry.

I don't believe there is such a God that lives outside of ourselves and is in any position to relieve us of burdens.

if there were such a God, then he is plain cruel to think that the suffering i have lived with for 6 years now is not too much burden to carry? BAH!!!

and likewise with your situation(s). i am so sorry for this additional blow to your life...

how you "managed to speak calmly" to this person is a sign of some strength left in you yet.

i know what it's like to feel like you cannot bear even the slightest more pain - but somehow we continue to manage.

oh, and i also resent the statement; "That which does not kill you, only makes you stronger". BAH!!! to that one as well!!!

i know why people are committing suicide all the time.

but i'm sticking around, and so are you.

that is an order.

BingoPajama said...

The only reaction I have when loads of shit pile upon me is that SOMEthing has to change. My reactions to the shit, my associations that bring about the shit, etc. Sometimes I try to add something to my life, i.e. when I started taking Yoga after getting dumped after a two-year relationship, it was so helpful. It helped me get through a lot of other crap that fell on me during that period. I dunno. I can just say that if you need to talk, I am available.