Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Tonight's final thoughts...

...have to do with the "delete your blog" button on my journal settings page. I've been staring at it, on and off, for the past couple of hours.

It is so tempting. One click of the mouse and all the painful memories, all the partial revelations of the turmoil inside me, would vanish.

If doing that could erase them from my mind, I would do it in a heartbeat, believe me. Would already have done it.

Some time ago, I resolved to post one final entry if I ever decided to shut down my journal. In it, I would name names, cite instances and finally reveal the complete story behind the situation I find myself in. I even wrote the whole thing out once, just in case I lost my nerve at the last moment.

Oddly enough, I lost my nerve in advance, and deleted that long, detailed screed instead of my journal. In a way, that's a shame; some people would have found parts of it most entertaining.

Now, I am at a bit of a crossroads. Writing here allows me a certain freedom to be candid, but I still have to indulge in a great deal of self-censorship to protect the guilty. That's just the way I am.

I admit I sometimes wish I could return hurt for hurt, cause others to experience the humiliation and pain they have sent my way. But I can't do it.

So what do I do? I am in a situation where it appears nothing I say or do can bring me the contentment I need, the joy that has been the object of my work and prayers for far too many years. Writing about my pain, frustration and disappointments is no doubt boring to the few people who read this journal, and does no good anyway.

There is no relief here, or anywhere.

Obviously, I have not clicked on the "delete" button yet. I make no promises for tomorrow.

7 comments:

Sally said...

Don't you dare, Scribbs! We love you around here! Ok, last goodnight ((((HUG)))) for the evening. Will see you around tomorrow! :)

DAL said...

Professionally, it's probably a good idea to hold off on the names for a bit.

Personal bits are another matter. Is it time to burn those bridges and dance 'round the flames? Or do you want to cross them a few more times yet?

MrScribbler said...

dal -- Strange as it seems, I worry more about the personal than the professional aspects. If you love the bridge, you can't burn it, even if you are denied the right to cross it.

HarpO'Fly said...

Trashing the journal is not necessary.

kathy said...

Even though it'd probably be good to hold off on the names, I bet it would purge some of your pent up feelings. And that's what I love about blogging - in a way, it's my own vindication.
Don't delete Scribs - you've got a following of loving friends here and at JS. While I wish you could find some happiness, I'd hate to be left to wait and wonder how you are.
*hugs*

intense1963 said...

It doesn't matter what you write for that fnal entry.....if you delete, no one is going to get a chance to read it, unless they get to it before all disappears.

-intense

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