Guilty as charged!

Charged, that is, by this delightful lady, who is sharper than a newly opened X-acto knife blade but -- at least as far as I know -- spills little blood with her rapier wit.

PARENTHETICAL DELAYING-THE-INEVITABLE THOUGHT: Yes, I know the last sentence contained a mixed metaphor, which makes me look like an illiterate rube. If I was being paid to do this, you can bet my grammar, words and thoughts would be slicker than a sheet of teflon, smooth as a baby's bottom.

Anyway. She asked me to do her version of one of those meme-things that are floating around journals. Since I already did the original version, I gotta give this a try. Besides, I kinda like it better!

So here's what she has tasked (damn, I hate that word, and everyone else should, too) me with, and I quote:

"Share 5 Guilty UnPleasures (ie, things you don't like but feel that you really should. Oh the guilt! ahem.)"

1. Television.

Yes, I truly dislike TV. I'm regularly bombarded with questions such as "did you see the latest episode of '2 1/2 Men?'" "I was watching 'Dr Phil,' and he said..." or "Dude, did you see 'Letterman' last night" In fact, I did not watch any of those shows. I have not watched the tube for maybe five years, except when I was checking weather reports while sitting in a motel room in Daytona Beach, Florida last year. I'm sure I should be glued to the screen -- missing out on Culture, you know -- but my set has more dust on it than my sex life, and that's saying something.

P.S. I occasionally watch videos -- not DVDs, I'm too old-fashioned for that -- but those are movies, and running 'em a TV set is a convenience issue....

2. Cooking for myself.

I've heard people rave about this, too. They will spend hours chopping, slicing, dicing, braising, browning, whisking, and whatever the hell else they think will make them a memorable meal. The joys of adding a pinch of this, a sprig of that and a tbsp of something else are lost on me. If I'm going to put any effort into culinary delights, I want to do so for at least two people. That way, if she turns green and spits it out, we can go off to Louie's #2 Chinese Takeaway or In-n-Out Burger and get something really good.

3. Beer.

Everyone around me likes beer. Some can go through a 12-pack in a single evening. They love beer! My absolute limit seems to be two bottles, and even they have to be specific beers, such as Tsingtao. No Bud Light for me! When I'm in England, I can guzzle Guinness pretty well, but that doesn't qualify as beer in my book. The few times I've tried to chug lesser-quality grain beverages, I felt as if I was bloating like an over-inflated balloon. Unless specifically requested by someone else, there is never any beer in my fridge.

I guess this makes me Not a Real Man.

4. Star Trek.

Anyone else out there who isn't totally into this stuff? Damn, I might as well include the "Star Wars" movies as well, because I still hear people raving about these shows/movies years after it should have been forgotten. I mean, these people have conventions for Pete's sake, where they dress up like characters from the shows/movies, recite lines from their favorites, study all the minutiae and generally carry on like, well, geeks.

It's okay if you like it. But this kind of thing makes me break out in hives. Really.

5. Andrew Lloyd Webber.

I actually went to see "The Phantom of the Opera" when it was new. I was not amused. This guy is supposed to be some kind of Very Big Deal, but I would rate him right with Irving Taylor as a composer. Webber is like too many composers of musicals these days: trite, and more than ready to use loud when good would be better. My girlfriend at the time loved, loved, loved the show. Everybody loved the show....

What I noticed was the astonishing similarity between Webber's compositions and a lot of old familiar tunes. One of the better takes on him is here, but I'm surprised that no one has caught on to the remarkable similarity between "Music of the Night" and "School Days." Hell you can plug the words to the latter right in....

Lest you think of me as some kind of uncultured boob, I will say I was absolutely delighted when I saw the revival of "Show Boat" on Broadway some years ago, and the list of musicals -- and composers -- I like is so much longer than the list on which Webber's name is firmly inscribed.

This was a difficult list! There aren't that many things I should like but don't!

Damn, am I dull....