Friday, November 10, 2006

A really bad day...

...in a mostly unhappy week that is part of a bad month, which in turn is part of eight unbearable months.

At least it's over...



I will now admit the truth, which may enshrine me in the Hall of Wimps but is, nonetheless, a painfully honest admission:

Despite the grief work often causes me, despite the frustrations of living in a place where sanity is the exception and not the rule, despite my inability to make certain creative and constructive things happen, the vital element is missing.

I need someone to love me, and be loved by me. I need to hear those three magic words spoken by someone with the courage and character to mean them and act accordingly. I need to feel the touch of soft hands, the touch of soft lips, need to feel the soft breath of love on my face.

I could become totally self-dependent, bitter and insulated. But that way lies death, if not of the body, at least of the soul. Some people find success in that direction, turning their defeats into literary victories. Others manage to delude themselves into living without the essentials, convincing the world (if not themselves) that they can survive and thrive alone.

I cannot do that.

Believe me, I've tried. Not by choice, but out of sheer resignation, out of acceptance of the inevitable. It didn't work.

Some people, kind, well-intentioned and sweet, tell me I will "someday" have what I need. I know they mean well, but from here the supply of "somedays" seems to be dwindling with frightening rapidity.

Tonight, I am alone.

Tomorrow, I will be alone.

I did not commit myself to a special someone out of any desire to be a martyr. Yes, my intention was to love and support, to encourage her to be the person she wanted to be. That would have taken a lot out of me, but I freely admit I expected a return for my love and commitment.

I didn't get it. The one thing I know about her now is that she is not thinking about me tonight.

If you have love in your life, or even a reasonable facsimile, hang on to it as tightly as you can. There is no substitute for being loved. It is as vital as breathing. And give love, every chance you have.

Heed my warning. I know what it means to live a loveless life. It is the same as having no life at all.

7 comments:

lowandslow said...

I've always honestly believed good things happen to good people. I'm hoping good things will catch up with you soon.

Ha ha Anne said...

"Tonight, I am alone.

Tomorrow, I will be alone."

I want to know who the heck you got that from!
YOU have no idea what will happen tomorrow.
As long as you talk negative, negative will be the result!
I survived yesterday,
maybe tomorrow I won't.
You trip me out!
Anne

Anonymous said...

Maybe you need to use that pic as your profile pic!
So there!
Anne!

gillardia said...

I HAVE someone who loves me. Yet I am lonely tonight, as I am most nights. Sometimes I think it's worse when you know what you want but you don't know how to get there.

Gill

MrScribbler said...

Or have been there and can't get back, gillardia.

Betty said...

Sometimes you can be with the one you love and who loves you and still be lonely. I feel guilty because I divorced the father of my children and married someone else. I feel lonely because the family events are all with me seeing him with someone else and vice versa. We will always love each other but we'll never be together again.

Sometimes lonely is better. I guess, I don't know. Is anyone really happy?

I failed the test..second try.

KauaiFinn said...

Well written post, good topic, and interesting comments...

I've experienced loneliness while in a relationship with someone who deeply loves me, and i deeply love... But that loneliness doesn't compare to the loneliness of truly being alone.

It's WORSE.

Because when feeling lonely while in a loving relationship, it reallly feels aweful because you don't have good reason to feel that way.

We, singledoms, have a justifiable reason to feel lonely.

Yet it doesn't make it any easier...

From a compilation of writings i took from a couple philosophers (whose names i failed to take note of when i put this together and added to my quotation collection a decade ago):

"Nobody talks to me but myself,
and my voice comes to me like that o f a dying person… though I try to conceal my loneliness from myself
and make my way into the multitude and into love by lies, for my heart can not bear the terror of the loneliest loneliness that compels me to talk as if I were two.

And now when I say “I”, it seems hollow to me.

I can’t manage to feel myself very well…

A pale reflection of myself wavers in my consciousness and suddenly the “I” pales and fades out.

Lucid, static, forlorn, consciousness is walled-up; it perpetuates itself. Nobody lives there anymore.

This is indescribably horrible.

A pulsating, ever-flowing monstrous nothingness.

Inescapable, never-ending dread."

Boy, i'm sure that didn't make you feel any better. LOL!!!

Hey, I can laugh and cry with you because i'm in the same boat.

*hugs*