...in a mostly unhappy week that is part of a bad month, which in turn is part of eight unbearable months.
At least it's over...
I will now admit the truth, which may enshrine me in the Hall of Wimps but is, nonetheless, a painfully honest admission:
Despite the grief work often causes me, despite the frustrations of living in a place where sanity is the exception and not the rule, despite my inability to make certain creative and constructive things happen, the vital element is missing.
I need someone to love me, and be loved by me. I need to hear those three magic words spoken by someone with the courage and character to mean them and act accordingly. I need to feel the touch of soft hands, the touch of soft lips, need to feel the soft breath of love on my face.
I could become totally self-dependent, bitter and insulated. But that way lies death, if not of the body, at least of the soul. Some people find success in that direction, turning their defeats into literary victories. Others manage to delude themselves into living without the essentials, convincing the world (if not themselves) that they can survive and thrive alone.
I cannot do that.
Believe me, I've tried. Not by choice, but out of sheer resignation, out of acceptance of the inevitable. It didn't work.
Some people, kind, well-intentioned and sweet, tell me I will "someday" have what I need. I know they mean well, but from here the supply of "somedays" seems to be dwindling with frightening rapidity.
Tonight, I am alone.
Tomorrow, I will be alone.
I did not commit myself to a special someone out of any desire to be a martyr. Yes, my intention was to love and support, to encourage her to be the person she wanted to be. That would have taken a lot out of me, but I freely admit I expected a return for my love and commitment.
I didn't get it. The one thing I know about her now is that she is not thinking about me tonight.
If you have love in your life, or even a reasonable facsimile, hang on to it as tightly as you can. There is no substitute for being loved. It is as vital as breathing. And give love, every chance you have.
Heed my warning. I know what it means to live a loveless life. It is the same as having no life at all.
49 minutes ago