...as Yours Truly looks back, to times when he was happy and could manage some optimism for the future....
PARENTHETICAL OBSERVATION: I know there is nothing more dull than someone who looks to the past rather than the future. So be warned that this entry is composed entirely of looking back. If you can't dig that, go somewhere else now and save yourself some pain....
Tonight, I am mourning the loss of R. B. For some reason, I can't get a particular moment with her out of my mind. We first met at a place where I was "someone," and continued our getting-to-know-each-other via emails and phone calls until I manged to score a trip that brought me back to her neighborhood.
The memorable moment came when we met again in Manhattan. I was zoned out after five hours on an aircraft and another couple of hours spent getting from Newark Airport to the place where we agreed to meet. I saw her, and elevated her from Potential Love Object to a far higher status instantly. The drive from NYC to her home was full of delicious tension; I was captivated by her. And I was not disappointed.
And yet, too soon after, I let her go, through my own weaknesses and failings. If I end up in hell, that is what I should burn for.
I will say, for the record, I still trust R. B. in a way my subsequent love neither earned nor deserved. R. B. never betrayed me. Nor did she discard me (as my later love did) when some other fantasy man came along. I had chances to keep her, and I messed up.
The memories are flooding into my mind tonight. And they tell me I blew it, big-time.
I remember a day in NYC when, after a long day of wandering, we ended up in a secluded bar. We drank several martinis each, but managed somehow to catch a train for her home. We laughed all the way, and loved each other that night. As we did on so many nights.
I remember other days, too, full of love, sharing, fun, anticipation of all the things we might do together. When I add them up, I see that I missed the one truly perfect opportunity of my life.
From those wonderful days until now, it has all been downhill, I fear. Memories and regrets are my nocturnal companions, and emptiness fills my days.
I may wish for my last love to to come back -- and I do -- but I can't help thinking of the one woman who earned my respect and adoration and never, ever betrayed my trust. Given another chance (which I won't get) I would cherish her as I should have done at the time.
I wish R. B. could read this, and know how much joy she brought me. And how much I regret the dumb things I did that made her drift away.
With that, I will stop writing for the night, and hope that sweet R. B. is now enjoying the love and happiness she truly deserves.
8 hours ago