Friday, November 24, 2006

More woolgathering....

...as Yours Truly looks back, to times when he was happy and could manage some optimism for the future....

PARENTHETICAL OBSERVATION: I know there is nothing more dull than someone who looks to the past rather than the future. So be warned that this entry is composed entirely of looking back. If you can't dig that, go somewhere else now and save yourself some pain....

Tonight, I am mourning the loss of R. B. For some reason, I can't get a particular moment with her out of my mind. We first met at a place where I was "someone," and continued our getting-to-know-each-other via emails and phone calls until I manged to score a trip that brought me back to her neighborhood.

The memorable moment came when we met again in Manhattan. I was zoned out after five hours on an aircraft and another couple of hours spent getting from Newark Airport to the place where we agreed to meet. I saw her, and elevated her from Potential Love Object to a far higher status instantly. The drive from NYC to her home was full of delicious tension; I was captivated by her. And I was not disappointed.

And yet, too soon after, I let her go, through my own weaknesses and failings. If I end up in hell, that is what I should burn for.

I will say, for the record, I still trust R. B. in a way my subsequent love neither earned nor deserved. R. B. never betrayed me. Nor did she discard me (as my later love did) when some other fantasy man came along. I had chances to keep her, and I messed up.

The memories are flooding into my mind tonight. And they tell me I blew it, big-time.

I remember a day in NYC when, after a long day of wandering, we ended up in a secluded bar. We drank several martinis each, but managed somehow to catch a train for her home. We laughed all the way, and loved each other that night. As we did on so many nights.

I remember other days, too, full of love, sharing, fun, anticipation of all the things we might do together. When I add them up, I see that I missed the one truly perfect opportunity of my life.

From those wonderful days until now, it has all been downhill, I fear. Memories and regrets are my nocturnal companions, and emptiness fills my days.

I may wish for my last love to to come back -- and I do -- but I can't help thinking of the one woman who earned my respect and adoration and never, ever betrayed my trust. Given another chance (which I won't get) I would cherish her as I should have done at the time.

I wish R. B. could read this, and know how much joy she brought me. And how much I regret the dumb things I did that made her drift away.

With that, I will stop writing for the night, and hope that sweet R. B. is now enjoying the love and happiness she truly deserves.

8 comments:

KIT said...

R.B. sounds truely special. You are certainly entitled to regret your actions. But I hope you don't beat yourself up too much. As Maya Angelou said:
People do what they know to do.
You can only do what you know to do
Not what you wish you knew to do
Not what people think you should know to do
But only what you know to do.
When you know better, you do better.
And that's all there is to it.

Ms. Angelou was speaking about her regrets as a mother, but I think they apply to any important relationship in our lives.

I admire you for being able to grow and change -- even though it brings you regrets now.

lowndslow said...

Sometimes looking back in time can be painful; I've been there myself. But on the other hand it gives you an opportunity to critique what went right and wrong, and to learn. The important thing is that you work towards the future so you can apply what you've learned from your past.

kathy said...

I have to agree with kit and lowandslow. Have you ever had contact with R.B. since that time? Dropping her a note wouldn't be a bad thing...

MrScribbler said...

kathy -- there have been a couple of friendly email exchanges this year, but I could detect no interest on her part in anything more....

HarpO'Fly said...

Under rating your own value in looking back is bad for you. I know first hand. Like the big fish that got away, my good ex(es) were probably tainted with mercury anyway. At least one is welcome back any time, but if it isn't on even ground, maybe not. She'll have to go through some decontamination to get rid of the mercury.

MrScribbler said...

ho'f -- the lady I wrote about here is the only one I know who isn't tainted. I brought the poison to that party, I'm afraid.

The other I would let back in would have considerable work to do to regain her stature in my heart. R. B. has an unconditional welcome mat out for her, and always will.

Sunny said...

What a beauteeeful story. I only wish you could somehow contact her, and just maybe re-kindle the sparks.... ((Hugs)) and *Smiles!*

likeisaid said...

I feel that way about my ex husband. I love my now husband but should have stayed with my ex .. it's a long story but sometimes we don't realize what we have until it's gone. Others may take their place but they're always in our hearts.