Off...

...to Las Vegas.

Yeah, I'm really looking forward to this. Uh-huh. I'm grateful it's a short gig and I'll be back here tomorrow night.

I used to dig Vegas, but that was in the days when it was a sea of tasteless neon and over-the-top architecture, mobsters and plain old cheesiness. Can't forget the cheap drinks and cut-price prime rib dinners, either.

I do my gambling with life, so the slots and tables don't hold much appeal for me. My sole big, wild gaming spree there started with $40.00 and ended with $0.00. I got up to almost $150 at one point. Big whoopee, right? Mr Out-of-control Gambler, here.

This is a work trip, anyway. There'll be good meals, and a lavish free bar -- right at a time when I'm trying to eat less and drink less. And a lot of stuff I'll have to pay attention to and make notes about.

But hey, I'm being comped like a real high-roller.

I had hoped my next excursion to Vegas would entail a quick trip to the Elvis Wedding Chapel. No such luck.

PARENTHETICAL JOKE: You know the old story...boy to girl: "hey, let's go to Vegas and get married, or something." Girl to boy: "let's go to Vegas and get married or nothing."

Insert rim shot here...

Yeah, I'm brushing up on bad gags in case I get tapped to emcee a show...you never know when Tom Jones is gonna need a front man....

In the words of an old friend: "Tom Jones? Is he still dead?"

I've always thought Vegas was the real-life proof of the adage about sh*t rolling downhill. Mainly, it panders to impulses I don't have. And the impulses I do have that could be temporarily sated there wouldn't satisfy me anyway. I pay for it with my heart, not money.

PARENTHETICAL THOUGHT: This leads to a discussion I won't get into here. Enough said.

Never mind. I have to go, now.

Hope all y'all have fun while I'm gone. Have a little for me.