Friday, October 27, 2006

Tension... building. Along with anger (no, it's closer to rage than mere anger), frustration and similar unhelpful feelings.

Often, I try to post amusing pictures to distract myself, but that doesn't seem to be working today...

It would be pointless to go into detail about all the things that are contributing to my dangerous mood.

PARENTHETICAL THOUGHT: Dangerous? Yes, I'm using that word intentionally and precisely. When life gets to this point, I begin to fear my reactions to the next thing that comes along. I try not to react at all. I try not to get involved with anything that might let the negative genie all the way out of the bottle. If it was possible -- which it isn't -- I'd just hide for a month or six.

Let's just say that no single element of my life or environment is giving me any break from what seems like an avalanche of bad stuff. Mr personal and professional lives have both deteriorated noticeably -- though that hardly seems possible -- and, since most of you hear the same news from the rest of the world I do, you already know there's damn little to cheer about there.

The world's woes do not keep me awake at night. My own do, though.

Six or so people are involved directly in the situations that have brought me to the brink of explosion. Any one of them -- and one in particular -- could, by simply doing right, could ease the tension sufficiently to let me think I might still manage to crawl out of this hole.

A lot of people maintain that we are solely responsible for our own situations/happiness/success or failure. Would that it were so.

But as long as humans need love, food, a roof over their heads, clothing and -- depending on the profession they choose -- a certain amount of outside affirmation and attention -- they are at the mercy of others.

I certainly am.

And "others" are taking advantage of that. Or have taken advantage of it in scar-producing ways that still affect me.

Add in my painful awareness of my own limitations and failures, and you have a recipe for meltdown.

Even cute pictures aren't going to get me past that, I'm afraid.


kathy said...

People often told me that we're responsible for our own happiness, and in a way, that's true. I hated the years I was alone after being widowed. I would say there were some days that were 'dangerous' as you described.
The truth is, at least for me - is that I truly require a partnership in my personal life in order to feel whole. That might be sad to some, but it just is what it is.
I also believe I went through those years of lonliness and despair so that I would choose wisely and not take another for granted.
I really believe there is hope for everyone to get past this. I have hope for you, too.
*hugs* Mr Scribbler!

MrScribbler said...

kathy -- "Partnership" is a great word for the biggest thing I'm missing. It's love, but much more, too.

lowandslow said...

Sounds like you've got a lot going on right now, and very little of it good. I think many of us (read: Me) have been in over our heads before...personally, professionally, financially...but the ship somehow righted itself. There are highs and lows in life; sometimes we can control the variables, sometimes not. I wish I could tell you how to climb out of this hole you're in, but I'm clueless as to what I did in my case that enabled me to climb out. My fortunes just slowly changed. The good news was that when the waters did eventually become a bit more calm, I appreciated life more. I truly hope life will deal you a better hand soon. And I'll bet that "partnership" you're hopeing for will appear out of the blue when you least expect it. :)

Anonymous said...

I like that you put "love" at the top of your list with what we humans all need. You are one special man, you know that!? I wish I lived near you and we could hang out together. ((hugs)) from Sunny

gillardia said...

I have to go with lowandslow here. I have had a lot of crap going on in my life of late, but that light has come through and it makes a lot of that other bad stuff not seem as bad. I hope you get your light very soon, Scribbs.


Kashew said...

I don't know what brought you so low...haven't been reading long enough.but I feel a good, decent person behind your words. I wish you better days and nights, and happeir times