Sunday, October 29, 2006

The light dies early

There are very few things in this world I can honestly say I hate. This time of year is one of them.

Darkness falls earlier each day and will continue to do so until January, a stark, unpleasant reminder that another year is coming to an end. I can't help but wonder if I will see another year reach this stage. I can't help but wonder if I want to.

Looking up into the night sky, I see an aircraft that seems to be heading for the Moon. I envy those on it, people who have places to go, things to do...

Today was an ordinary day. I completed some work, went for a walk. But the work was, as is all too common these days, a painful experience. There have been communication problems with the editor who asked for it; the ensuing unpleasant discussions robbed the article of what little pleasure writing it held for me. Each word was torn out of my mind; the words that came out were stitched together into a whole that leaves me cold.

This joyless, bitter life is new to me. I know the causes all too well. No day goes by that I am not reminded of them.

Of course those involved in bringing on this deepening sadness -- except for the face I see each day in the mirror, who knows my failings all too well -- would deny any complicity in it. I know for certain one would, and has, disclaimed responsibility, even though said person was the catalyst for the downward spiral.

Lifting myself up for my own benefit alone hardly seems worth the effort. I have needs that I cannot meet. Everyone does. Maybe not everyone; I have met self-sufficient people, and yet I wonder if, in the endless night hours, they wish for companionship as I do, wish for the validation that comes only from other people....

Say what you will. I know who I am, know what I am. I know what I see correctly, known when my vision is flawed.

I mistrust the inviting charms of the night. I know that, too soon, darkness will be all that surrounds me.

I haven not achieved my most cherished goals, have not lived my greatest dreams. And now it seems I never will. So I hate the darkness, and all it implies.


gillardia said...

I hate this time of year too, Scribbs. Every year I hate winter more. I really do need to move somewhere warmer.


Kelly said...

Outside of companionship what else ensares your dreams? what do you wish to accomplish that you have not? Where do you wish to go that you have not been? Reach out and grab those dreams you can touch. Don't let the lack of companionship paralyze you. What if on some journey you always wanted to take you stumble upon your soulmate? What if in taking the steps to accomplish a cherished dream you find the one that will cherish you?

sincerely dkmcb01

MrScribbler said...

kelly -- the days when I believed in a "soulmate" ended over seven months ago.

Beyond that vanished dream, there are none that matter half as much.

Kelly said...

They may not matter as much as the loss of your companion but they are still there aren't they? Small dreams that need a little attention to make them grow? Well, now I just sound like a cross between martha stewart and a shrink.

lowandslow said...

I do believe you're in need of a wholesale lifestyle change. From what I'm hearing you say, what have you got to lose? "You can't keep a good man down." You might surprise yourself! :)


Anonymous said...

I wish I had a pill to send to you. Too make you happy again. If it helps I rather like you.

likeisaid said...

MrScribbler, please cheer up, you've been there for me when I'm down and I really appreciate it. :)

Seriously, I hate the short days too and the end of another year. But then I think, I survived it!

Take care of yourself, you're very special. {{hugs}}

Birdie said...

I'm with Kelly wholeheartedly on this, but you already know that! The more you think about what is NOT happening, the more depressed you'll get!

BingoPajama said...

You must have things you can do. You must have dreams you can follow. Maybe you need to shake up your life, do something spontaneous, find joy in something you didn't plan for. A trip to another country, perhaps?

I don't like to see people so hopeless. You have much to give. You have to exude good, happy stuff to get it back you know.

Ptolemy said...

If you play with the "word verification", you can spell "Ug, prunes..."

Anyway, would there be any joy in knowing that actually the days only get shorter until December 21 or 22? And then they start to get longer again?

Justfly said...

Overcoming Life's Disappointments by Harold S. Kushner, you should read it. I think everyone should read it, it was inspiring for me.

Anonymous said...

Wishing for validation from other people strikes me as the utmost misery. Looking for happiness in what other people do is like trying to change the course of an approaching galaxy that is about to collide with ours. It's like going out to the mailbox every morning to see if there's anything in the box and there never being anything there because the hypothetical sender thinks you're dead. It's when you're not expecting anything from people that you usually get it. I don't know why you won't just tell yourself that you deserve to spoil yourself and tell yourself that you're okay and not have to have other people do it. Other people obviously think that you're swell.