There are very few things in this world I can honestly say I hate. This time of year is one of them.
Darkness falls earlier each day and will continue to do so until January, a stark, unpleasant reminder that another year is coming to an end. I can't help but wonder if I will see another year reach this stage. I can't help but wonder if I want to.
Looking up into the night sky, I see an aircraft that seems to be heading for the Moon. I envy those on it, people who have places to go, things to do...
Today was an ordinary day. I completed some work, went for a walk. But the work was, as is all too common these days, a painful experience. There have been communication problems with the editor who asked for it; the ensuing unpleasant discussions robbed the article of what little pleasure writing it held for me. Each word was torn out of my mind; the words that came out were stitched together into a whole that leaves me cold.
This joyless, bitter life is new to me. I know the causes all too well. No day goes by that I am not reminded of them.
Of course those involved in bringing on this deepening sadness -- except for the face I see each day in the mirror, who knows my failings all too well -- would deny any complicity in it. I know for certain one would, and has, disclaimed responsibility, even though said person was the catalyst for the downward spiral.
Lifting myself up for my own benefit alone hardly seems worth the effort. I have needs that I cannot meet. Everyone does. Maybe not everyone; I have met self-sufficient people, and yet I wonder if, in the endless night hours, they wish for companionship as I do, wish for the validation that comes only from other people....
Say what you will. I know who I am, know what I am. I know what I see correctly, known when my vision is flawed.
I mistrust the inviting charms of the night. I know that, too soon, darkness will be all that surrounds me.
I haven not achieved my most cherished goals, have not lived my greatest dreams. And now it seems I never will. So I hate the darkness, and all it implies.
15 hours ago