Sunday, February 04, 2007

Strange Sunday night thoughts...

...at the end of another wasted weekend.

Well, I got a little bit of work done, posted pictures of cats and plane crashes and ranted semi-coherently about light bulbs...so how can I call it wasted?

Easy. All those things were part of the continual process of sublimation, which cannot go on indefinitely.

Aside from the normal total lack of money, the normal shortage of people who behave honorably toward me, the normal total lack of anyone with whom to share my tiny patch of the planet, the normal thoughts about someone I should never allow myself to think about and the normal total lack of worthwhile distractions from items 1-4, I guess I could say things are just freekin' dandy.

I ran across an interview with a performer who has had his battles with heroin. Strange stuff, horse. I've never tried it -- it is, at least for the most part, a rich person's drug -- but I've known a few people who got hooked on duji, and it really messed up their lives.

Funny thing: though they are quick to proclaim that living clean is better -- and a couple have managed to get off and stay off -- they still get that faraway, wistful look on their faces when they try to describe the stone they got from it.

I remember talking to a jazz musician friend -- who, to my certain knowledge, never did anything heavier than puff a little pot in the long-distant past -- who had nothing good to say about the white powder. Even so, he would sometimes say, "man, Miles did that sh*t, and Ray Charles, and they really knew how to lay down sounds...."

How did I get off onto this riff? I mean, I know hard drugs are nowhere. Lenny Bruce took the big fall after shooting a heavy load of smack; so did some other major-league people. I've never even seen the stuff. And I doubt I could stick a needle in my arm for any reason.

Okay, here it comes: I'm basically your addictive sort of guy. When I'm into something, I'm into it right down the line. Examples: when I started digging music I was into it solidly, and still am. I was handed a camera, and haven't been far away from one ever since. The first time I cracked 100 mph in a car (I was 17), I was hooked; I needed a taste of 150 (I was in my late 30s when I got there) and then had to feel the rush of 200....

Those are socially acceptable (maybe not the speed-thing) and no one would ever tell me to put 'em down.

But I had to get to my current age to develop my serious addiction. Like someone hooked on dope, I was promised the Ultimate High, the system-wide buzz that would carry me out somewhere beyond the moon. I didn't even have to sacrifice for it; it would make all my other cravings so much more intense, so much better when they were fulfilled....

The one about whom I should not think is my jones. From the first taste, I was hooked, needed the mainline dose. And I still do.

It doesn't matter that it didn't last any longer than a good shot of duji. It doesn't matter that other fools fell (and are still falling) for the untrustworthy seductive lure of that high, too. All that matters is that I'm hooked, and I need a taste, right now....

Love is the ugliest drug of all.

I was forced to drop that stone cold-turkey, and the withdrawal symptoms are pure everlasting hell, Jim.

14 comments:

lowandslow said...

Isn't an addict always looking for "more"? So keep looking. She's out there, somewhere. :)

MrScribbler said...

When you find the perfect "high," l&s, that's all you want. And that's where I am....

I'd get her into an Aston Martin 'cause that's what she wants. But she'd probably listen to others who promise one to her....

Anonymous said...

I come from a long line of addictive personalities and have two sons who have their fair share...thankfully except for work, coffee and JS I am pretty aok...I have to just live with dealing with the others...nobody escapes addictions. hmmm...a light just came on- perhaps I am the one that drives the rest to them? :-)
Lou

Anonymous said...

I have many addictions too, Scribs. Hopefully your withdrawal symptoms will lessen with time. And hopefully you find that new special someone to be hooked on. It's hard to imagine right now, but like L&S said, I do believe she's out there for you.

Gill

KauaiFinn said...

Quote: "Aside from the normal total lack of money, the normal shortage of people who behave honorably toward me, the normal total lack of anyone with whom to share my tiny patch of the planet, the normal thoughts about someone I should never allow myself to think about and the normal total lack of worthwhile distractions from items 1-4, I guess I could say things are just freekin' dandy." ---- YOU SAID IT ALL FOR ME.

They say misery loves company.
Do you have a spare room in your house/apartment?

Addiction: I am so fortunate i never came face to face with hard drugs. If i had, i would have been dead already for a very long time. And being dead is highly unattractive. (Smelly too....)

*hugs* and Alooooha!

Anonymous said...

I guess all I can say is join the club. Know all about that addiction, and going cold turkey.
Roz

BingoPajama said...

Oh god, this entry makes me feel so heavy, especially your line about love ... ugh.

betty said...

I come from a long line of addicts..I've been through it all except the hard drug thing. Sometimes a lost love is the worst to get over. You can do it though, and you will. {{{hugs}}}

MrScribbler said...

MsPajama -- I'm quite sure love can be a good drug as well...like any other drug, when it's contaminated it can really do a number on you.

Justfly said...

200???!!! YIKES! Going 75mph is fast enough for me!

(You have now talked me into going out into the 15 degree temps and getting some Bailey's!)

MrScribbler said...

justfly -- it's not as if I do that every day, you know. In fact, I can count on the fingers of two hands the number of times I have exceeded 180 mph in an automobile, and the number of times past 200 on, say, three fingers....

HarpO'Fly said...

It's all good until it affects your life negatively, over and over again. The mind will convince you that initial euphoria is achievable no matter how much it has quit working except to tear you down.
What is duji?
Good think smack is not overly available. You don't have to shoot it to get the benefit. Opiates are rather appealing.
Person addiction can be as dangerous as the others.

MrScribbler said...

HO'F -- "duji" is an archaic term for heroin.

Anonymous said...

Wow...I didn't see that coming.

For me...I'm thinking it might be a bit different.

Bob Dylan has a song out now which has a great line in it.

It's something about how crazy a woman was...and the line he goes on to say is "I might not touch another one for years"

That might be about where I'm at.

But I think it's great you're ready to dive back in. I think when and or if my situation changes...I will require some time off to get to know myself again...as opposed to the thing which has been wrought from our pairing.

Apertureguy (journalspace)