Friday, February 23, 2007

Dream and reality.

Today was, if possible, worse than yesterday. Another 24 hours gone, and no respite from the things that are breaking me apart.

My sleep last night was visited by a dream I had rather often when I was very young and still something of a church-going Christian. On a fairly regular basis, I would dream of a place "where God was," where I felt warm and safe, and not afraid.

When I grew a bit older and could drive, I actually found that place. It was in a canyon not far from where I lived. I would go up there, hike and feel as if everything would be okay.

When the dream recurred last night, I knew I had to drive up there today. It's a fair distance now, and the wild "park" is now a Park and Interpretive Nature Center, complete with signs telling visitors what they can't do and a huge asphalt parking lot. The trails closest to the entrance are bordered by neatly placed stones.

The place that figured in my youthful dreams was there...



But God wasn't. The few times I heard bird-calls, they were almost immediately drowned out by the sounds of hammers, nailguns and saws being used to mansionize houses on the canyon rim. I could hear traffic, airplanes, helicopters....

It is no longer a refuge. No sense of safety, no sense of peace.

I hiked around for a while, enjoyed the sun, but felt more depressed when I left. I felt slightly foolish, too, looking for answers in such a place, expecting some all-powerful Creator-type to show any sort of sign about giving a rat's ass about me now, when my life so far has been totally free of any sort of divine intervention.

Of course when I came home, nothing had happened. Not even the things that should have happened because I earned them.

I'm not talking about winning lottery tickets or love simply stopping by out of the blue. I'm talking about things most people accept as their due.

So if anyone out there feels any particular connection to God, please let Him/Her/It know I could use a couple of basic breaks here in a big, big hurry. I've hung up the search.

8 comments:

DAL said...

"Talk to God and listen to
His casual reply"

I don't thnk John Denver realized just how casual God can be (that is, if you are into deities and whatnot. I'm not). Someone should tell Him to get the lead out.

John said...

Whether you call it God, or just fortune, doesn't matter. You'll hate me for this, but you are looking for the hammers and nailguns and don't realize it.

John said...

Although I'm not sure exactly how to find otherwise. It comes and goes.

MrScribbler said...

john -- I don't hate you for saying it. But for once, you're wrong...I'm open to anything that might help me regain a little composure and faith in the future, and I thought a few hours in that place might help....

likeisaid said...

Sometimes it's hard to remember that God is around but He is. Don't give up MrS. Good things will happen. {{{hugs}}}

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry your trip was disappointing. Hang in there Scribbs.

Gill

lowandslow said...

There have been times in my life I've felt pretty alone, too, Scribbs. I prayed anyway, and although the reply wasn't as immediate as I would have liked, I can look back now and see that my prayer WAS answered. You have a lot of people praying and pulling for you right now, my friend. :)

Anonymous said...

I'll second what lowandslow said...
When and If He answers prayers is still a mystery to me, but I do believe He's there listening. Unfortunately (or maybe not...) He doesnt often take our advice on how to answer. You are not alone in this whole struggle and search, though. You just were brave enough to put voice to it. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. And may the answers and relief come soon for you.
Woofster