Today was, if possible, worse than yesterday. Another 24 hours gone, and no respite from the things that are breaking me apart.
My sleep last night was visited by a dream I had rather often when I was very young and still something of a church-going Christian. On a fairly regular basis, I would dream of a place "where God was," where I felt warm and safe, and not afraid.
When I grew a bit older and could drive, I actually found that place. It was in a canyon not far from where I lived. I would go up there, hike and feel as if everything would be okay.
When the dream recurred last night, I knew I had to drive up there today. It's a fair distance now, and the wild "park" is now a Park and Interpretive Nature Center, complete with signs telling visitors what they can't do and a huge asphalt parking lot. The trails closest to the entrance are bordered by neatly placed stones.
The place that figured in my youthful dreams was there...
But God wasn't. The few times I heard bird-calls, they were almost immediately drowned out by the sounds of hammers, nailguns and saws being used to mansionize houses on the canyon rim. I could hear traffic, airplanes, helicopters....
It is no longer a refuge. No sense of safety, no sense of peace.
I hiked around for a while, enjoyed the sun, but felt more depressed when I left. I felt slightly foolish, too, looking for answers in such a place, expecting some all-powerful Creator-type to show any sort of sign about giving a rat's ass about me now, when my life so far has been totally free of any sort of divine intervention.
Of course when I came home, nothing had happened. Not even the things that should have happened because I earned them.
I'm not talking about winning lottery tickets or love simply stopping by out of the blue. I'm talking about things most people accept as their due.
So if anyone out there feels any particular connection to God, please let Him/Her/It know I could use a couple of basic breaks here in a big, big hurry. I've hung up the search.
1 day ago