Tuesday, April 18, 2006


...according to the Bible, goeth before a fall.

And yet, despite my last entry, despite all that has happened, there are certain things about which I am proud.

I am proud of my ability to transmit what I have learned to others, whether through the articles I've written in my "professional" life or the counsel I have given on a one-to-one basis.

I am proud of my ability to give whatever support I have been able to give without thinking of possible benefits to myself.

I am proud of my ability to love unconditionally.

Let's face it: I have been around the block a time or two. I know what it is like to settle for less than what you want and need, know what it is like to help others for the sheer joy of helping, know what it is like to make a positive difference in someone else's life.

It is no one's fault but my own that these things are not enough to satisfy me.

And I know what it is like to have dreams crushed, to have my gifts -- such as they are -- rebuffed.

I blame no one else for the position I'm in. I got me here, and the fact that I cannot extricate myself from this mess is my sole responsibility.

Forgive me if I say that there were moments -- as recently as today -- when someone else might have made the difference between my considering myself a success and regarding myself as a total failure.

That is, by coventional wisdom, wrong, and some people will think I am weak because I have reached the limits of my endurance. They will use my weakness to justify keeping their distance from me.

That, of course, is their right.

The Biblical admonition to not feel pride has proven true. I was proud, and I have fallen.

And I see no way to pick myself up.

That weakness may well offset all the good I thought I had done.


Kim said...

I tell you what, I'm happier now, with all the mistakes I've made, at 28, then I was at 21...

MrScribbler said...

I'm glad to hear that, Kim! I know you will avoid the mistakes that have led me to be alone and sad at my age....