Sunday, April 16, 2006

Easter....

...and on this day I always remember the radio announcer who was fired for beginning his newscast with these words: “today, millions of Christians around the world are celebrating the alleged resurrection of Jesus Christ....”

Maintaining a long tradition – of some 40 years – I will not be attending the church of my choice. My dealings with God are personal, and don’t have much, if anything, to do with a visit to the local Worship Palace.

Instead, I’ll “observe” Easter from a distance while working.

Work and I are in what can only be called a classic love/hate relationship these days. I love writing, all the more because I’m paid for it, and the whole is made sweeter by the subject matter, for which I have had a lifelong fascination. And yet, when I sit down to compose remunerative verbiage, too often I find myself asking “what for?”

Work buys cat food, rents me a none-too-extravagant roof, and keeps the DSL connected. Sometimes, despite low pay, unpleasant and unprofessional editors and venal publishers, there is still satisfaction in completing good work, in seeing my byline in print. But that’s not enough for me; I want, as I have for more years than I care to remember, to share the benefits of my labor with someone else.

And I know who that someone is.

She is beautiful, incredibly talented, loving, caring, fun and is in every respect the woman I have searched a lifetime for. I know her strengths, and I know her failings; the former are immense, and the latter are trivial. Given time, unlimited bandwidth and a comprehensive thesaurus, I might be able to explain my feelings about her. And I have been given ample reason to believe those feelings are reciprocated.

But – there’s always a “but,” it seems – a tangled web of circumstances and emotions have led her to distance herself from me, at least for a time, with no assurance that the separation won’t end up being permanent.

I don’t blame her for this, even though I consider it unnecessary and wrong, damaging for both of us. I can’t blame her, and never will, for doing what she thinks is right.

PARENTHETICAL THOUGHT: I do, however, wish she was able to listen to what I have to say on the subject, was willing to make an effort to, if not understand and embrace my ideas, at least try for some kind of compromise. Experience tells me some of what she's doing will not help her, but may instead hurt her over time. But anything I might say in this regard would upset her and provoke a negative reaction, at least for the time being....

Be all that as it may, the end result is yet another dream deferred. I’ve had to deal with too many of those.

My wish list has gotten shorter over the years. Beyond a roof, food, books and a few simple things to play with, my material needs are few. My emotional needs are even simpler: I need to share my life with someone else, give whatever I am able, give applause, support, encouragement, comfort and love. And I need someone to do the same for me.

I know these things are possible. I’m deserving of them; I’ve worked hard to be so. And I have seen many others receive these gifts, and thrive with them.

This has gotten well away from the subject of Easter. But it may explain, in part, why Easter is little, if anything, more than just another work day for me.

I hope yours is much, much more.

And I hope next Easter is far more for me....

7 comments:

Whatsername said...

You are SO deserving!

=)

MrScribbler said...

Thank you, sweet adopted daughter....

From your lips to the ear of whoever needs to hear it....

netmale said...

For me, Easter is just another day to surf the web, read journals, and in general do any number of pointless things.

Everyone needs someone. Those who deny the need still require validation of that, by telling someone else.

I hope the one you need comes back to you, Scribbs. You DO deserve it.

BDraggs said...

Scrib, if you got what you deserved in this life, it'd be so fanTAStic that you know that Whatsername would just hunt you down and STEAL it from you because she is just that way, she is.

Seriously, I hope we can all find our place with someone we love, and I hope I don't end up sharing my life with a succession of hamsters and small dogs.

MrScribbler said...

Believe me, BDraggs, if I got what I want -- can't quite bring myself to say "deserve," even if I do *blushes* -- I'd have enough left over for Whatser. And you, too....

You certainly deserve more than small dogs and hamsters! More, even than big dogs and hamsters!

Anonymous said...

Well, by deciding not to go to church, you have cut yourself off from a large body of people, possibly including some wonderful women who might not be engaged to someone else, or unwilling to listen to your thoughts of how much you love them.


You seem to enjoy more comfort when you have psychologically taken yourself off the market in preferance to actively looking for someone to share your life who is actually emotionally available.

Anonymous said...

Someone not talking to you? When the tables are turned its no fun is it?