Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Memories

A strange combination of circumstances have led me to reminisce about the past.

The other night, a colleague and I stopped at a taco stand across town from where I now live. It happens that said eating place is a mere three blocks from the place, an apartment in a small building, where I first lived on my own many years ago.

Yes, I used to eat at Tito's Tacos -- familiar to anyone in the West Los Angeles area -- often in those days. The food was delicious, and not particularly expensive. It still is.

In fact, though I had not eaten a burrito there for more than 20 years, the taste was as familiar as if I'd had one the day before. Only my life has changed.

That none-too-fancy little apartment, for which I paid the princely sum of $189 per month, was a plcae where I felt comfortable. I had a good job, was making good money, and I had friends and lovers in abundance. It's no exaggeration to say that the future appeared to have no limits then, when I was young....

From there, I moved to a tiny house in North Hollywood where no one came to visit. I should have been warned; that was the start of a trend.

Ultimately, I ended up the the Northwest, where I met my wife. We moved back to California and, after a while, she divorced me.

That didn't cause me to lose hope. I was still young, had a new career, and after relationships with women who were almost-but-not-quite prospects for permanence, I was looking forward.

And then I met a woman who met 95% of my desires, and that was a rare moment indeed. I was ready to see that as an "ultimate" sort of relationship, ready to commit myself to her completely. She chose, for reasons I cannot fault, to move on before I could pack my bags and trek across the country to be with her always.

PARENTHETICAL THOUGHT: It turns out that this wonderful woman also has a journal here. Though I won't idnetify her, I must say she remains the sweet, fascinating lady she was when we were together.

All of these events have led me here, to the end of the continent. I am reduced to the situation I was in at the beginning, so many years ago: living in a small apartment with no real prospects of any kind of permanent happiness.

Two things that have changed are that I no longer can see a brighter future ahead, and Tito's Taco's is many miles away.

Oh yes: as may be inferred by some previous entries, I recently met a woman who met 100% of my expectations. We fell in love -- both of us -- and yet she has chosen to turn her back on me.

One other thing has changed: A delicious burrito and alcohol no longer insulate me from the pain of rejection.

No one is more boring than old men who dwell only on the past. With no future ahead, I am becoming one of them.

1 comment:

BDraggs said...

Like I told Whatser, this isn't the right place to send this to you, but I wanted you to get it quickly, so.......
Thanks for the reply. I really appreciate you taking the time.

If you can relay the next four paragraphs to whatsername, I would also greatly appreciate it:

---

I was at first bewildered that she would take offense to my matter-of-fact, not-overly-polite reply, when her original note to me was not overly polite and she pulled no punches in letting me know how frustrated she was with the site. She had good reason to be -- the design-replacement problem we had several weeks ago threw several people for a loop. At first, I thought some sort of double standard was being applied: she was free to speak her mind, and people were free to call me names with aplomb, while on the other hand, it was uncouth of me to ask her to watch her language. But after several people told me (in so many words) "she's actually a very nice person" I think it was simply the collision of two normally nice people who don't know each other, and who happened to both be a little frustrated at 11:00 PM on a weeknight, or whenever it was that we were exchanging private message.

I recall writing something like "Maybe you'd be happier with another blogging site." I want to assure you that I did not mean this in the sense of "if you don't like it, then leave," but I gather that it was interpreted that way. I can see why it was; I made a poor choice of words. In fact, it was a reaction to her utter frustration and a comment that she made about a two-week coupon not being enough to make up for the hassle she'd gone through. I don't want to host EVERY blog and journal in the world (I'll leave that for the big guys), but I do want all of my members to be happy. If I can't make them happy, then I'd rather that they be happy on another site, rather than stick around and be miserable.

It must have also been an unpleasant surprise to her when she figured that she'd get a paid customer service professional (as one does when one cries for help on Typepad), when she got me -- just a guy who works on the site out of his house in his spare time. I can understand her frustration there and I should have kept this in mind when I wrote my reply.

So -- in short -- this has been a learning experience for me, and she is always welcome back. But, if she happens to like it better wherever she went off to, then it's probably for the best. One's blogging platform should be transparent, not a source of strife, and if journalspace isn't the right tool for her, at least right now, I certainly understand.

---

Anyway, I noticed on your blogspot blog tonight that you referred to me as a high school student. While I might act like one at times, I'm actually old enough to know better. I last set foot in a high school back in the days when Miami Vice was still on the air.

Thanks again for your time.

-- Dylan"

I think that explains it, don't you? Two nice people who had a fender-bender!