Memories

A strange combination of circumstances have led me to reminisce about the past.

The other night, a colleague and I stopped at a taco stand across town from where I now live. It happens that said eating place is a mere three blocks from the place, an apartment in a small building, where I first lived on my own many years ago.

Yes, I used to eat at Tito's Tacos -- familiar to anyone in the West Los Angeles area -- often in those days. The food was delicious, and not particularly expensive. It still is.

In fact, though I had not eaten a burrito there for more than 20 years, the taste was as familiar as if I'd had one the day before. Only my life has changed.

That none-too-fancy little apartment, for which I paid the princely sum of $189 per month, was a plcae where I felt comfortable. I had a good job, was making good money, and I had friends and lovers in abundance. It's no exaggeration to say that the future appeared to have no limits then, when I was young....

From there, I moved to a tiny house in North Hollywood where no one came to visit. I should have been warned; that was the start of a trend.

Ultimately, I ended up the the Northwest, where I met my wife. We moved back to California and, after a while, she divorced me.

That didn't cause me to lose hope. I was still young, had a new career, and after relationships with women who were almost-but-not-quite prospects for permanence, I was looking forward.

And then I met a woman who met 95% of my desires, and that was a rare moment indeed. I was ready to see that as an "ultimate" sort of relationship, ready to commit myself to her completely. She chose, for reasons I cannot fault, to move on before I could pack my bags and trek across the country to be with her always.

PARENTHETICAL THOUGHT: It turns out that this wonderful woman also has a journal here. Though I won't idnetify her, I must say she remains the sweet, fascinating lady she was when we were together.

All of these events have led me here, to the end of the continent. I am reduced to the situation I was in at the beginning, so many years ago: living in a small apartment with no real prospects of any kind of permanent happiness.

Two things that have changed are that I no longer can see a brighter future ahead, and Tito's Taco's is many miles away.

Oh yes: as may be inferred by some previous entries, I recently met a woman who met 100% of my expectations. We fell in love -- both of us -- and yet she has chosen to turn her back on me.

One other thing has changed: A delicious burrito and alcohol no longer insulate me from the pain of rejection.

No one is more boring than old men who dwell only on the past. With no future ahead, I am becoming one of them.