Tuesday, October 16, 2007

So three people I respect...

...have commented that I should go ahead and spill my guts about the single thing that does more than anything else to keep the Depression Machine running. It's tempting.

But I'm not going to do it.

The decision is based on a purely selfish motive: I'm not exactly overdosing on self-esteem these days, and the consequences of telling the story would do more damage to me than anyone else*.

Why? One thing I try very hard to do is never cause anyone intentional hurt, even if the recipient has hurt the daylights out of me. I've brought pain to too many without meaning to, and that's bad enough to leave me a fairly good-sized load of guilt. Going out of my way to hurt would be worse.

I'm not shy about revealing my own failures. They are part of me, and I try to write about me. Revealing someone else's -- in a personal context -- is just not something I would be happy doing. Such stories are always colored by the participant's role in them. Some things I know are true; others might, probably would, be seen differently by others.

Moreover, if I did go into the story, how could I ask the next person with whom I got into such a situation -- should that ever happen -- to trust me to not reveal things said and done in confidence?

The therapeutic value of a full confession would be high, but brief. I know myself well enough to be certain I'd start hating myself the moment I posted it.

I'm not making myself out as some super-good guy. I'm not. I simply value what little I have left in what might be called "moral values" more than I value sweet revenge. Part of me still thinks the original positive feelings were right, and what happened after was an aberration that time and sober reflection might turn around, though I have less than no reason to believe that**.

Maybe that's why I never became a lawyer. And maybe it's why I find myself in this situation.

Even so, I'm grateful to have friends like the three who made the suggestion. They might be right, too; but I can't do it.

* Not entirely. But it's true enough to make a compelling reason.

** Ignore this sentence. I have reason to believe no lessons have been learned, and they would have been learned by now.


Anonymous said...

you know already what I think. I have also gone through such phases, and only my kids really helped me survivie it, and a few close friends at the time.
You should perhaps spill it all out! You can disquise some of the facts, like changing names and towns. But if you need to get it out of your system, and get some feedback from us, that may be the way to do it... think about it. Otherwise, you know how to reach me...

Birdie at the office (thus no log-in)

lowandslow said...

I agree with D. If you prefer not to talk about certain things on world-wide JS, maybe you should consider talking about it with a certain few people, in relative private. Point is, just talking about it, getting it out, has bound to do some good to your mind/soul. I truly believe that, Scribbs. But I'm not you. You do what you're comfortable with. Hope your today is better than your yesterday. Take care, friend.


Anonymous said...

Is the person who put you in this sorry frame of mind a regular reader of these pages?

Is your next if any true love also among those who are dropping by to read you?

If the answer to either or both of these questions is "no" then it would seem that your objections would have no merit, particularly if you used your not inconsiderable writing skills to disguise relevant parts of the drama.

Jus' sayin'


MrScribbler said...

A -- 1) I don't think so, but believe that person would find out and react, speedy-speedy. 2) Since I don't know who the "next one" might be, I can only hope so. Will save her a lot of questions about me.

John said...

If it conflicts with your own code or better judgment, that's that.

Whatever gets you past it, at this point, seems good.

sugarcane said...

Lessons only come when you're ready to receive them. Maybe you're just not ready.

I agree with everyone about having someone to talk to about it. Yes, you're a gentleman who doesn't want to intentionally hurt the other person, but remember that you're also allowed to be angry, and sad, and generally pissed about being hurt. Allow yourself to feel it, then you'll receive the lesson.

j-shniff said...

go for some walks. with a dog or a ball. y'know..simplify. ur a fuckin' miracle, motherfucker.