...in fact, I would have to say this has been, and is continuing to be, the worst of my 58 years on this planet.
At the moment, I am on the brink of total catastrophe and, as of now, have not been able to find a way out.
A friend, one of the few I trust enough to have made her privy to all the sordid details (sorry, I won't do that here), gave me some ideas. I have pursued them this morning, and none will provide any sort of relief.
That's not to say I was unhappy about receiving the advice. It just means that I, while in circumstances almost as awful as hers once were, do not meet the same criteria she did. Bureaucracy, and all that.
I have several notions about what can be done. Making them happen will be the hard part.
I can psych myself up to deal with people on a businesslike basis, but it becomes more difficult and tiring by the day. That's doubly so when the bad things keep hitting at me. Obviously, no one is working to my schedule (and I don't expect them to) so the laws of misfortune suggest that while coping with potential good situation "A," I will get a call from angry bearer-of-bad-news "B," who gets doubly irritated when I am unable to give a clear and full answer to his issue right now.
I can't do what I can't do, which is predict how other people -- e.g. clients -- will act. For good and obvious reasons, I don't trust a damn one of them at the moment.
I am not, at least as of now, angry. Nor am I bitter. The effort needed to project a positive attitude where needed seems to have burned all that out of me.
I'm still left with plenty of anger at myself. It's easy to say "don't blame yourself," but so difficult to do.
Back to the battle.
Aside from a trustworthy friend or two, the only weapon I have in this battle is me.
Now if I can just figure out the right move for me to make....
20 hours ago
8 comments:
you know I wish there was a way I could help. I'm arriving in SAN on Aug. 20 and I hope we will once again find time to meet up... maybe with more time then last trip. {hugs} Good luck on whatever you attempt!
Wish I could help too, all can do is send you a hug ..
I am glad you are still alive. I hope you find an answer for your problems.
Roz
Well I'm certainly glad you're not DEAD! I have a feeling of what the need is - wish I could help but - not in the position to right now. The only thing I can offer is to stand with you in support and pray!
Ben -- In very important ways, what you offer means more than anything else.
I'm looking for ways to dig myself out, you know, and encouragement and faith help. A lot.
I hate to know you are having such a difficult time. I'd rather know than not though and worry when you are quiet.
I think things will work out. No basis except a half baked idea or two. They can't bleed a turnip and you are a turnip at the moment. Sometimes the facts can help because they eliminate a lot of thought and choices. I'm hoping for some temporary reprieves that give some breathing room. Remember to breathe regardless. I got faith. I'd say I have no reason for it, but I think maybe I do.
Scribbs - just like when you had the medical problem - there are lots of folks on here that are pulling for you. This seems to be a particularly - rough - phase in your life, I hope it passes quickly.
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