Monday, August 25, 2008

On the roller-coaster...

...and the ride never seems to get less bumpy.

Friday and early Saturday were the low points. With the help of a friend, I hatched plans that might get things straightened out, and felt better.

This morning, one major element of those plans was torpedoed. It's not gone permanently (at least not at the moment), but is delayed enough that it is far less useful. And any further delay will take it out of the picture. It was central to getting things done the way I thought I might.

As always, I am at the total mercy of other people. And I don't much like that.

I could rant about that, but what's the use?

Now, I have to come up with Plan "C," as Plans "A" and "B" have now failed miserably.

The pressure on my head is almost physical now. And each new idea seems built more on panic than actual forward thinking. When, that is, I can actually string enough thoughts together to come up with anything. Every element of my situation is banging around in the gray mush, never fitting into any logical order.

Should I take this as an indication that I am supposed to fail?

It feels like that right now.

And figuring out a way to cope feels more and more like an impossibility.

8 comments:

Birdie said...

you are not supposed to fail! and never think that. I know prospects seem dismal at the moment, but you MUST continue to think positive! I remember a time going through coats in the closet, hoping to find a few extra pennies. I know that dismal feeling well. But you can't let it drag you down! {hugs}

Anonymous said...

"As always, I am at the total mercy of other people. And I don't much like that."

We all are like that, Scribbs. Those who think otherwise are deluding themselves. All we can do is cinch up our poop waders and keep going. You are certainly NOT a failure. Mired in a pretty deep hole, yes, but we've all seen the bottom of that hole from time to time in our lives. Keep pushing, friend. :)

S

Anonymous said...

Nope. You aren't supposed to fail. And you HAVEN'T failed. It's not about failures... just detours. Hang in there, Scribbs.

Gill

benb said...

Hi Scribbs:
Like Birdie said, things are definitely not roses and sunshine right now, but I truly believe it WILL get better. I also believe something is going to break for you - just a matter of when.

puzzle said...

Thinking of you dear

John0 said...

Dammit. Not too likely on the "supposed to" conclusion.
Sorry apparent fixes didn't pan out right.
Keep rehashing options and new ones will appear. The hardest thing is not to give up. Keep it going even if it turns out you are up to plan W before enough breathing room is achieved. I got faith. It's important that you thrive. I need my faith to be proved right.

John0 said...

I can only wish things different. Sorry that's the best I got.

Anonymous said...

I know that feeling all too well. Hope it all comes together for you.
Roz