...was today's story. I started trying to get things done way too early -- 6:30 -- and of course couldn't get much done. I did do some online job applications -- more about that below -- and sent some emails, then sat there cursing myself because I wasn't getting anything done.
Doesn't make sense, I know, but when you are in a state of near-panic, that's how you feel.
Calls made, messages left. None were returned. The fear that my Sunday meeting was a waste begins to creep up on me. Both of the men I met with will be out of town until next week. Too late.
Nothing in the mail, except an offer from the cable company. I dropped my cable service more than four years ago, and am not about to get it hooked up now.
Messages of support, plus donations. Those improved my mood; how could they not? A donation from "Tony Blair;" will Gordon Brown chip in too?
That people who are in many cases not being treated as well by life as they should be are willing to help me is something special indeed. After listening to/reading their comments (a special "thank-you" to the one who called with much encouragement), I no longer feel that awful guilt for letting them help. I simply accept that they are nice, nice people.
My wish: that I could be on the other side, doing nice things for them.
Didn't hear from the landlord today. Means nothing, except that I spent another day twisting in the wind.
Went to the doctor for a regular checkup: blood pressure, weight, listening to the ticker, etc. All good; blood pressure and weight are both lower now than they were in 1988, heart's doing fine. I'd feel damn good if I didn't feel so bad.
About Last Night (A Break From Fear and Pain):
"Have you seen this job?" she said, sending me a link for a gig that sounded as if it was created for me.
"No...but I'm applying for it now!"
"Here's another," she said. She plays her computer like a piano, and finds things while I'm still laboriously typing search words. She knows where to look, too.
"Look at this one," she said.
I ended up with five possibilities, and sent off applications. Bookmarked the sites she got them from, too.
"Your phone is ringing," she said. It was.
I love her distinctive, sweet voice. Even when she is being caring and warm, there's a playful overtone that makes me smile.
She sang to me. A Lizz Wright song, earthy and enticing. It made me think of dark jazz clubs, and those rare moments when musical wonder is born.
All Heaven needs is a voice like hers, a bass player, drummer and someone on the B3.
I went to sleep hearing that.
She weaved a blanket to keep me warm last night, and it did exactly that.
If fear and bad stuff overcome me, it won't be because people didn't help. And they cannot take away the beauty that the Universe has let me see.
PARENTHETICAL BEFORE-I-POST-THIS UPDATE THOUGHT: One of the guys from Sunday just called. He's already out of town, but is still trying to reach the "rep" he thinks can help me most. He has already arranged to meet with a couple of others who could go to bat for me while he's up in Northern California. I feel a little better....
14 hours ago