Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Wasted day.

Yeah, I blew it today. Tried to start off this morning by looking for other possible jobs, emailing various people and (maybe) doing some work on the few stories I have to do for clients who have shown some willingness to actually pay, but I just plain ran out of energy.

In fact, the anxiety and my miserable, aching back got the better of me, and I had to flee. Walked five miles, which at least brought my jittery pulse under control. It was hot enough to be uncomfortable, too.

Didn't hear from the landlord today. I've written him a letter asking for more time and explaining what I can of the situation; I'll drop it off at his office in the morning.

Not that I expect him to react positively. I've tried to school him on how and why my work got messed up before, and he never caught on. Still, I can hope, and the uncertainty he is causing has made it virtually impossible for me to concentrate on making positive things happen.

Friends are helping a great deal; other circumstances are making things worse.

And it's the "worse" that has been gnawing at me all day.

Fighting off the inertia that fear causes is a very big deal for me. I haven't yet given up; I hope I never do. But I can feel the impulse off in the shadows, and it's closer than I'd like.

Someone committed suicide by jumping off the nearby cliffs this afternoon. Out came helicopters, Fire Department boats and a bunch of police and paramedics, all to no avail.

Can't imagine doing that. It's not fair anyway, because the rescue folks risk their necks to recover the body.

I am lonely tonight, and intensely depressed. In the old days, that would have been to crack open a bottle of Beam and aim toward drowning my sorrows.

These days, it means writing crap like this, cold sober.

I don't see much possibility in tomorrow. I pray I'll be proven wrong.

Did I mention that my back still hurts like hell?


Manda said...

Hang in there, Scribs. Keep your chin up! We're all rooting for you.

A Magpie's Nest of Treasures said...

Don't give up just yet. Every day is a chance for something better to happen. Take things one moment at a time if you have to-

Keeping you close in my thoughts and prayers.

emd said...

I know all that "hang in there stuff" sounds trite when you're feeling on the brink of total disaster. But, sometimes that's all there is. And, all you have to do is get through the next five minutes at a time.

emd said...

Ah, sent the message before I said that I'm pulling for you, along with all your other friends.

MrScribbler said...

Did I mention that you, and others like you, are the threads that keep holding me upright?

I'm running off of your optimism right now, and appreciate it....

kit said...

Depression is a terrible thing, and it has an unfortunately synergistic relationship with pain. Pain tends to cause depression and you feel pain more intensely when you are depressed...

Don't lose hope, I believe in you.

I'm convinced that the situation in which you find yourself is temporary, and that someone of your considerable talents will soon rise above it.

Kim said...

I hate, hate, hate the anxiety! It's just bloody awful isn't it? It does help to remind yourself that you can't remain in a state of anxiety permenantly - the body just doesn't work that way. So you know there'll be up and downs.... Take care of yourself Scrib.

Anonymous said...

Uncertainty is rough. I feel a bit of it myself, but you've got to keep your mind thinking, scheming to find ways "outside the box" as they say to make things work. You have a lot people thinking and praying for you, Scribbs.


Birdie said...

one more week and I'm close enough to come and give you a kick in your you-know-where! *wink*

ben said...

Well, when your back's against a wall, it's kinda hard to focus on much of anything more than what it is that's pressing you against that wall.
Which doesn't mean you blew the day. You're doing whatever you can to survive - not just in the physical world, but mentally and emotionally.