Saturday, August 09, 2008


...for the phone to ring. For the mail to arrive. For something good to result from all I've done to try to improve my situation.

It seems a forlorn hope that today is going to see any positive changes.

I have been trying to contact an individual who can, I think, point me to someone who can help me with selling my work and putting demand for it on a consistent basis. Unlike the time earlier in the year when he was readily available to me -- to talk to me for an article I was doing that gave him some ink -- he is hard to reach now, and is not returning my calls.

Is it the school-of-fish theory, in which the fish showing signs of weakness is shunned by the rest?

When matters get to this state, there are no days off. I can expect those seeking blood from me to call without hesitation; they are not respecters of weekends.

That would be okay, if I had concrete answers for them. But they are simply not convinced that I want every last item on the list of negatives resolved at least as much as they do, and when I can look at things realistically, I can't really argue with their logic.

They want what they want now. So do I. They have ways of going after it. I don't.

Again, I'm trying not to place blame or be bitter. Bitterness is not good for one's health, and stress is already doing enough to injure me.

A very supportive and kind friend lost her job yesterday. The end came without warning.

One of the many reasons I would so love to be enjoying the success I believe I have more-or-less earned is that I could then help people like her in tangible ways. It hurts to stand by and see someone getting a bad deal without being able to step in and do something meaningful.

In fact, beyond providing a basic amount of comfort and security, I believe this is the best thing money can do.

If only I could work without having to constantly look over my shoulder to see who is coming after me!

You might think I'm being too dramatic. After all, no one is looking to kill me.

But they are threatening the next worst thing, which is my ability to keep trying to provide for myself and do the work I'm good at doing.

Looked at that way, they are threatening me with death in a way.

At the moment, all that has happened is that I have been pushed into a state of near-24/7 anxiety, which makes it nearly impossible to accomplish anything, for myself or anyone else.

That's bad enough.


Anonymous said...

It always saddens me when good people who want to work and support themselves encounter such obstacles. It is heartbreaking about your friend as well, given your own inability to do more than just empathise. I hope John is right and better things are a-comin'.


Anonymous said...

The stress of not knowing how you're going to make it, what's going to blind side you next, is gut wrenching. I know. I really do know. Here's wishing you, and your friend, and me, too, better days ahead. :)