Sunday, February 24, 2008

It's not working...

...and I'm too worn out to force it.

What I'm referring to is my ability to come up with something for this space that makes sense and doesn't totally bum me out while I'm writing it.

I've already deleted one long reminiscence that I often have looked back on with some fondness. It was easy enough to write down at first, but the closer I got to the happy ending the worse it made me feel.

That's what happens when happy endings have vanished from your life.

I can remember being admonished to "think good thoughts" when I was young. I did, most of the time.

But today's good thoughts are more-or-less squashed by the very realistic notion that if I've already experienced them I am unlikely to have similar adventures again. And if they are thoughts of what might yet be, they are 100% meaningless.

None of that stuff is under my control these days.

Tomorrow is, of course, another day. Another day in which any decision I might make or action I might take depend almost entirely on the responses of people who almost certainly don't give a rat's ass about what I think, want or need.

Reality can sometimes be a drag, man, and this is one of those times.

Sorry about the deletion of good anecdotes. If I hadn't suddenly awakened to the fact that the last of those no-strings happy moments is now almost nine years old, I probably would have posted them.


Anonymous said...

At least you had happy moment once upon a time. Sure beats the alternative. Hope Monday brings you some relief, friend.


John said...

I hate looking back unless it bears on some hope toward the future. Just the word "nostalgia" brings nausea.
I think it feeds anxiety unless there is a current or future element tied in.

MrScribbler said...

John -- I see I left out a line from the deleted entry that would have made this make more sense.

In essence, I said that all this looking back is involuntary, and strikes with no warning. It's maybe the mind's way of hinting there is no future....

Anonymous said...

Good thing I have not limited my reminiscences to recent ones. Many of the really great things which have happened to me took place a whole lot longer than nine years ago.


Kim said...

Looking back can be nice, but it often brings comparisons such as "my life was so good then and now it is crap". It's just your brain trying to figure out how to be happy again by looking at what it knows (past experiences). So I guess it's natural to do this.

But it also may be good to look at past disapointments, not just the good stuff, and realise that you have gotten through the tough stuff before and you can do so now.

There's my bit of pop psychology.

Hugs and I hope it gets better for you Scrib, I really do.

WhimsicalMadCap said...

OK, if you don't have an email, how about a POB where we could send you a widow's mite? :)

Whimsical MadCap

MrScribbler said...

whimsical -- I have email, of course. But since I can't find your journal (clicking on your screen name leads nowhere) and therefore have no idea who you are, I'm reticent about passing out any contact info.

Anonymous said...

We're trying to throw you a life line. Your email and/or POB would be greatly appreciated.

MrScribbler said...

anon -- You can contact me at ....

WhimsicalMadCap said...

Mr. S, I don't bite, sting, or claw. :) (And as you'll be able to tell from my blog, I decidedly don't work for the CIA, either!)

Anonymous sums it up: we just wanted to pass along a bit of a life-line. Go to my main blog (Warning: satire is my favorite genre, so read it with your humor cap on!) at "" where you'll find a custom-crafted message just 4 U ("4 Mr. S. Pursnullee") so that you'll know Granny and I are the same person (it's called "geographic schizophrenia," and hasn't yet been identified by the shrinks, ROTFL!)

Hoping things will look brighter 4 U soon!

I also sent you a private email, tho it contains nothing earthshaking.