Saturday, November 24, 2007

What has happened to me?

Damned if I know.

What I do know is that I am having more and more trouble writing about what goes on my tiny slice of space on the planet.

It keeps on getting worse, Jim.

And going into gory detail about it is not only impossible, but unrewarding.

Just as my efforts to reverse the ugly trends of recent months and years have not borne fruit.

Two people kept me from going completely off the rails today. One is my musician buddy R., who called today and reminded me that some people -- if you count him as "some people" -- think I have some value.

He has no idea of the magnitude of the train-wreck my life has become. He simply likes me, and respects me.

Another is, well, someone I won't gush about too much, as I know she sometimes drops by to read what I have to say. And I think she knows how I feel about her, anyway.

Okay, so neither one of them can show me the way to increasing my supply of either sex or money -- the two commodities totally missing from my life -- but that doesn't matter. They are, whether they know it or not (and they don't), simply keeping me going a bit longer than I would without them.

I owe both of them for that.

And if I can navigate my way out of the shit-storm, I'll certainly do what I can to make their lives happier. Even if it's simple encouragement and appreciation. They have that already, but I'd like to make a wish or two come true for them.

One or two people beyond R. and Ms. X have done their bit to keep me functional, too. I am more than grateful.

For their sakes, I hope I can get past the vampires clamoring for my blood.

But I'm not sure how many rabbits I can pull out of my hat. The magic act may be over.

I owe a great debt to R., J., K., and K. And I do not forget.

If I get through the next few days, the next few weeks, I'll make sure they know it.


Birdie said...

just this morning I have read at least two entries in JS that pertain to the kind of thing you're going through. If you want, pm me and I tell you which journals...

I have to agree with Ella's comment in the last entry, which is something I've been trying to kick into your head for some time, too... but you already know that....

Being on the outside looking in, it's hard to know what "advice" to give, if advice would even help. Many people have voiced to you how much they care and respect you, know it's up to YOU to do that same!!


kit said...

I'm sorry you had a bad day. We're sending good thoughts your way.

joan said...

Keep slaying those dragons. You are worth it. It sounds like you have some good and supportive friends. Don't forget that. Hang on Scribbs.

becomingkate said...

People have told me that just recognizing something is wrong can set you on the road to healing. Maybe...I dunno, I hope so!
I was serious about my invitation, you know. At the very least, can you send me your address so I can send a card?
I'm gonna try doing the card thing this year :)

betty said...

I'm glad you have friends to help you through. I always dread the holidays, I get so depressed and I shouldn't. It seems a lot of people feel the same way. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas, MrS. You deserve it.

John said...

Even under worst scenario, you have places you can go and survival on the fringe is yours. Not much, but better than nothing. I know it sucks when you are good at what you do, have high ethical standards and it seems to go unappreciated and unrewarded. I wonder if those people have a clue how much the simple paycheck would do and how much pain they are causing.