Monday, September 04, 2006

Kill or cure...

...is the theme right now.

If I make it through this week, I may survive.

It's roughly the same as sweating out a fever. I don't know what I can do or will do; I feel totally out of control of my emotions.

My assumptions were wrong. It's not that I didn't give someone credit for what and who they are -- I have done that before, and have judged myself harshly for it -- but, this time, that I gave the person in question too much credit, saw admirable qualities that simply aren't there.

I was a fool.

But I was not alone in my delusions. Others saw the same qualities, and continue to do so. They don't know what I know.

I can't fault myself for being steadfast in spite of the warning signs. I can't fault myself for loving.

I can, however, fault myself for being stupid. Which I was.

There is a good possibility I will survive. What I fear most is that I won't like the me that emerges from the flames.

The words "love" and "trust" have been ripped out of my vocabulary in a ruthless, bloody manner. I cannot imagine anyone being willing to go through the torture of putting them back into my lexicon.

Lessons learned, but at a price no one should have to pay.

And now, back to regular programming from the world of gratuitous cats, illegal aliens and walks along the ocean.

The funeral for the other, better part of me will be private. Please don't send flowers. Prayers are welcome.

7 comments:

kit said...

If you are speaking of someone from the on-line world, this seems to be going around.

Get well soon.

MrScribbler said...

Thank you, kit.

BenB said...

I must say that trust is easily ruined, stripped and voided, near impossible to even think about dipping your toes back into that icy water. Too cold, the memories of the people that stripped you of it stay fresh, clean, clear and umutated, like it happened yesterday, and is repeating today.
I know that wasn't very helpful, but I go through the same damn issues with certain individuals from my past as well.
bb

DAL said...

Regular interrment, or cremation?

I haven't given up finding someone. I just haven't looked, because if I'm not at work, I'm usually here. I need to get out from behind a PC. What about you?

I don't think I really care anymore if I have a long term relationship. I just want some female company.

Anyway, enough of my sysrcki.

MrScribbler said...

Probably cremation, dal. A thick plume
of smoke visible, say, 1300 miles from here....

I'm staying out of the hunt. Not fair to make any other woman deal with the zhhmgu that's been dropped on me.

Anonymous said...

Oh my, MrScribbler! Sometimes you cannot see the forest for the trees.. er, I think that's how it goes,lol. *hugs* you and hope you feel chipper soon.

HarpO'Fly said...

Love and trust many to bring one hell of a lot of pain and damage when they get ripped away. When they are misplaced it can be unbelievably ugly.
I hope to replace those with anger and selfishness. Or maybe just leave a blank where love and trust used to live. I think anger is settling in already, in my case. Big time.