Monday, July 03, 2006

Thoughts...

...of closing this journal are in my mind.

I have come to realize how I must appear to those who read here: bitter, selfish, unrealistic in my desires and expectations, full of self-pity and always ready to blame others for my own failures.

The title I chose, so long ago, has become self-fulfilling prophecy.

I can't write about what is in my heart. Even now, I am holding back, afraid of putting down the wrong words.

And when that happens, it's time to go.

I don't know if this is permanent. I'd like to believe it isn't.

But as it stands, I can't enough place enough value on my own thoughts to feel free to share them now.

I wouldn't want to read the story of someone who, when all is said and done, has failed in those areas he considered crucial, essential to his life, who dislikes himself in so many basic ways.

And I won't ask you to.

18 comments:

kathy said...

There are so many things I don't write about anymore, out of respect for Bill and for his young daughter. And I can't constantly write about being widowed, or my thoughts on my late husband. BUT I still really love the feeling of community, and love to have people stop by. Especially now that I'm not working!
I hope you decide to stick around.

DAL said...

I don't think you are a failure, as you always give more than you receive. Some of those in your circle, however, are complete raxuiatgs.

Birdie said...

you're not a failure, things just didn't go as you hoped. Stay around, share things with us... or go back to JS where you belong... there you can make entries just for a select few. Think about it... sometimes sharing helps ease the problem... not necessarily solve, but at least help to get it out of your system! There are a lot of understanding friends you have.... let us continue to be there for you!

"see you, in September...."!

gillardia said...

Life is always full of twists and turns. That doesn't make us failures. It's just a bump in the road. Hang in there Scribbs. I hope you'll stay around, but you have to do what's best for you. If you do leave, I wish you the best.

Gill

HarpO'Fly said...

All the more reason to stick it out.
If all that is true, then nothing lost.
While we may not say, yea, you are a total loss and agree, better you just rust than hide.
You are not a waste even if you think so. Let it out.
No one here can hurt you. That you've already said.
Anyone who can has.
No. This won't do.
I wish like hell you lived down the street.
I need you here damn it

Got that?
You are needed.
I need.
Sorry you don't.
Man, I don't know how to help and I hate that. If I knew any thing else or more, or you do, you got it.
Stay here and take.

HarpO'Fly said...

No no no
Not rust
I meant to say better to TRUST than hide.
Rust is already covered.
see what happens when I panic?

Anonymous said...

I have had the same feelings recently, in that I write about the same, miserable things, day after day, that occur in my life. As if stuck in a continuum, a never ending cycle of one miserable thing after another. Then I thought I'd just make it a private journal, only I can see it. But then I thought - so many wonderful people have given such timely words in many cases, encouragement, whatever I needed, many times I found it there in the comments section or in messages.

I will miss you, my friend, if you leave here, even if just a short period of time, even more so if permanently.

I hope you don't go.
benb

kim said...

Maybe allow only favourites to read as someone has already commented.

But you need to do what's best for you. Perhaps journalling is making you depressed? It has been said that, for some, keeping a journal of heart-aches is not the release it is for others.

Maybe start another journal with a completely different name, where those you don't want to hurt, can't read your inner thoughts...

susananne said...

Dont delete Mr Scrib, i have come to see you as a freind and constantly pray that things will get better for you. Just because life is hard right now doesnt mean we dont like to keep in touch with you...we do..and there are many people like myself who genuinely care about you (( hugs ))

Anonymous said...

M.S.:
I already miss ya, you aren't posting anything!
bb

Anonymous said...

I will miss you. I like your hanging around and giving me words of encouragement, and reading my silly stuff. See you are needed.
Roz

Anonymous said...

I agree with all the others, and no you are not a failure! I have said that about myself a few times in life, but here I am!

The door's open and we need to stroll through, not close it!

((hugss)) I wish I could give you a real big hug in person.
~~ Sunny ~~

Thing1 said...

If nothing else, you have to keep this journal open for the gratuitous cat photos.

I too have been feeling less than inspired in my posting recently, but I think it will pass. I hope it passes for you too.

Anonymous said...

Hey! Just wondering how you are, and what you are up to on this Saturday, July the 8th.
And where in the world is MrScribbler?
((hugs)) from Sunny

sexaddict41 said...

Dammit Scrib! How many times have you counseled people and told them to have faith, to stick it out, to be themselves through all the pain, the good and the bad, etc.?

Your feelings of failure only effect you; we think no less of you. In fact, to see the struggle of someone with your intelligence and compassion is somehow calming to us. I know it makes me feel more human and less alone.

I know you have to do what you feel is right, but please know that your words have touched so many who face similar struggles. Please know that you are loved here.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Sexaddict41...I read you from time to time, I struggle myself writing anything, and as for liking myself...I don't.

Please don't delete...rather step back from it all for a while, then come back when you are ready.

intense

susananne said...

We miss you Mr Scribs...

Anonymous said...

Dear MS:
I hardly think of you as a failure.
But I suspect your "reclusement" from writing on JS might actually be a good thing for you. I just hope you don't leave forever.
Whatever the case, I bid you well and I hope the best for you.
bb