Aw, ****...

...and you can fill in the asterisks yourself. The word you choose probably won't be as bad as the one I want to put there.

Went for a walk this morning with my favorite walking companion. She's the one who showed me a really nice route past the local marina, and we went that way again today.

I mentioned to her that it's a jolly good thing I don't have a boat. If I did, one day I'd simply vanish, destination Tahiti, or Bali, or -- if I had enough change to pay the fees for the Panama Canal, perhaps Trindad and Tobago. Anywhere, that is, that puts many thousands of miles between me and here...



Today would have been the perfect day to set out on such a voyage. If you accept the old "it can always get worse" line of reasoning, well, it has gotten worse. I am as close to the end of my wits -- not to mention my rope, whatever that is -- as I ever have been.

Yeah, it's the usual bilge. The people who haven't paid me for months are being perfectly consistent...no money arrived today.

Emails and phone calls? Might as well not have bothered*.

No immediate possibilities of a job (a full-time job, that is) and I don't have the necessary info from a couple of editors to actually plunge ahead with writing.

In a way, that's good. In my current mood, I'd rather rot in hell than write for the shitweasel clients I have right now.

Wait. I am rotting in hell, if you ask me.

There comes a point where all planning, thought and effort for the future seems totally futile. I don't trust anyone to deal with me in even a remotely fair manner when it comes to business.

They didn't tell me in school and church that it would end up like this.

All I have left is bitterness and anger, some of it directed inward. There comes a time when faith in one's own ability just doesn't cut it any longer, and that's where I am on this eighth day of July.

I have more faith that I'll win the lottery than I do in finding someone who wants my professional talents -- and will pay for them -- in time to stave off the seemingly unavoidable collapse.

Some time ago, I read that the most common words heard on aircraft cockpit voice recorders just prior to impact are, "Aw, ****." I dig the impulse, Jim..

* Hard to believe as it may be, I am (and am generally considered to be by others) all professional, polite, focused, cool and collected when in work mode. I seldom complain, never push harder than I should. I'm a freekin' Boy Scout, baby. For all the good it does me.