Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Rebirth... the "New Confidence" slips into the harbor after a voyage from its Chinese home port...

Every so often, I read -- or hear -- about someone proclaiming him- or herself a "new person." I understand the impulse to think so; with the third (month) anniversary of my own traumatic and near-fatal moment approaching, I've been pondering what "second chances" and "life changes" are really all about.

From my own experience, I'd say it's a bogus concept. Life may give you a second chance now and again, but you still have to play the cards you were dealt before whatever happened to change your outlook came along.

That's messing with my mind these days. Some people have been kind enough to give me a bit of rope considering what I went through, but the same old vampires are still out there, thirsty for blood.

My blood.

In short, the stress level remains far too high, and my new best efforts to simply take the various crises one at a time are foiled by the sheer volume of big and little hassles that are piling up.

Friday should be interesting: M.D. in the morning, chiropractor in the afternoon. I'm more than a little concerned about the medicines I'm being given; I have reason to think they have affected my ability to work, at least to some extent. I don't have the level of concentration I need to keep me focused on writing. Naturally, the longer this goes on, the more it makes me angry and frustrated.

Since nothing else has been going on, I'm thinking some of the pills may bear part of the responsibility.

The aching back doesn't help, particularly because the discomfort is inconsistent. I'm not sure from moment to moment whether I'll double over with pain because I've tried to sit down, stand up or stretch out. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. But I can say with assurance that not being able to walk farther than a few blocks is not doing me much good.

So while I'd like to be a "New Me" -- and, in some ways, I think I am -- I'm still forced to pay the Old Me's debts and clean up after his screwups. Which means, in reality, I'm the same old fertilizer in a slightly different bag.

Doesn't seem entirely fair.

But for the moment, my outlook would be much improved if I could actually sit here without (a) having my mind wander off and (b) feeling a deep need to sever my spinal cord with the nearest chainsaw....


Birdie said...

have you tried to google the meds? or send a pm to Japee... maybe she can give you some lowdown on them.


Anonymous said...

Many meds can indeed have weird, unintended interactions. Do your Docs know what you do for a living and how important the ability to sit and concentrate is for you? Maybe there are other meds they could try? And I'm surprised your back still hurts, assuming it was just a work strain. Maybe it was something more severe? Hope you can get some relief soon, Scribbs. :)


susananne said...

Mr Scribbs i wish i could help you. Take care and hope it all works out for you . (((((((hugs)))))))

Japee said...

I think when your body goes through something like you went through it does mess up your thought process. They are doing studies on that after long operations. You were in ICU for some time. It wouldn't be surprising that there would be changes. Hopefully temporarily. We need you sharp and sassy.

Fitzgerald said...

I hope you feel better soon.