Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Strange days... what feels like a headlong rush straight into a brick wall continues.

At least it begins to look as if a few of those too, too solid bricks are falling away before I conk my noggin on them.

Maybe, anyway.

First, a very dear friend -- sometimes referred to as Red Hot Riding Hood, which is a bit of an inside joke between us -- emailed me about a job opening she'd seen. She thought it might be something for me.

I got the email first thing Monday morning, and applied before I'd finished my coffee. I had a reply within a few hours, had an email exchange with the guy posting the ad, and a phone interview last night. The guy still seems positive, and we'll talk again next week.

This is good. Also bad. It's my kind of work, but it involves a major relocation, in itself not a bad thing, but somewhat problematic in several ways. I'm not talking about conflicting emotions, but rather some major practical issues I'm not sure can be resolved.

It's something I would have jumped at at age 28 -- and in fact did, moving 1200 miles for a job -- or even at age 38. Or age 48, comes to that.

But at age 58, it looks like just another major hurdle, and I'm tired.

I have cheerleaders, bless 'em: "RHRH," of course, and my friend "Juan," who has actually uprooted himself and set off down the road with remarkably positive results.

But they're not here at 3:00 a.m., when I wake up wide-eyed and wonder how the hell I can manage what seems simply impossible to me.

Enough of all that. I have a few days to ponder the whole thing before my next interview. Who knows what'll happen in that time?

I do. At least three things. First, thanks to the generosity of an anonymous angel, I'll do some major grocery shopping. In today's mail, a gift card for a market -- not the Happy Hindu -- along with a cute photo book and a card with a comforting message. Another person on a lengthening list of people to whom I am so grateful. I'm only sorry I don't know who she (I think) is so I could thank her personally.

Tomorrow, I'll drive D. to his oral surgeon's office so he can have a couple of teeth extracted. Can't drive himself home when he's drugged out.

And Friday, I'll be visiting another chiropractor, this one recommended by D.'s girlfriend, Nurse S. X-rays and therapy. I hope this works; my back is ready for amputation.

So these are good things, yes? Well, they are. But I have been facing that brick wall long enough that I am wary of good things. My problem, of course. But it's an all-too-genuine concern. I know that, given a shot, I can take a good run at getting things back together. It's simply that the "shot" hasn't materialized up to now. And I worry that I'm less capable of getting things right; I'm older, and lonely, and close to feeling defeated by the events of this year.

Doesn't mean I won't try. But the vicious circle has me surrounded, and I can't allow myself to hope to manage a breakout. Right now, anyway.


Birdie said...

all decisions and especially relocations are scary, but you've been dreaming of doing just that for so long, so DO IT! or do I have to come over and kick your butt! LOL

Good luck on the interview. I hope it works out for you! {{{hugs}}}

betty said...

I know how you feel but I say go for it, if you can. I was 58 not too long ago and then I had the heart attack so leaving this house became a real fear. Now I've let it almost paralyze me and I wish we'd moved a long time ago.
You're still young, you can do it. I hope it all works out for you. ((hugs))

emd said...

Sounds like just what you might need right now, Scribbs. Good luck!

Kim said...

Excellent news. At least you know there are opportunities out there. And weren't you saying a while back that you could do with a change? Is it a full time position? A long term thing?

John0 said...

it's OK to imagine the breakout. I think if you imagine it long enough you might attract it. Maybe you have.

Anonymous said...

I don't know what hurdles you would have in order to relocate, but I hope you can overcome them, as the certainty of a steady job might go a long way to easing your mind. It could be the first step of a new, much happier life for you. Good luck friend. Go Scribbs!

A nice friend he/she was to think of you with the gift card. :)


Anonymous said...

Good luck in the interview. Hell I was 55 when I took my last big job. No move, but it sure changed my lifestyle, and my life.


Elizabeth said...

Hoping hard for you!

WMC said...

At the risk of sounding cliche, but truly, YOU deserve a break, Scribbs! Would that this opportunity works out 4 U!