Monday, March 29, 2010

I hope no one reads this...

...because in the six-plus months that have gone by since I last wrote here, the situations and factors that drove me away from writing/venting/sharing here have not improved.

They have gotten worse.

I am at the breaking point. Work has become a 24/7 thing for me; that might be okay if it was a matter of cranking out articles. It isn't. It has become a fixation because I have little work, and what comes in is returning pitifully small sums of money, not enough to clear my debts or even stay current on expenses.

So, when I'm not working, I constantly worry about not working, rack my brain to find new sources of work. Any work.

There are possibilities on the horizon, but there are always "possibilities." When they stay on the horizon, they do no good.

Worse, and this is a big factor in pushing me to the ragged edge of madness, is that people I know (none who would/could read this, thank goodness) have been pouring out their troubles to me, looking for help and sympathy.

I have none of the former to give right now, and less and less of the latter.

Yes, I have needed sympathy and encouragement, too, have been more shameless about seeking it than I should be. But I have tried -- really -- to keep from inflicting my misery on people who are going through their own rough times. And I try to listen to others who still talk to me, return some appreciation and encouragement. Even when it's difficult (as it is when your own troubles seem insurmountable), I do care about friends.

Example: A neighbor has been dumping her problems on me. Incessantly. Daily.

Example: A friend in another state sometimes calls when he's had his nightly snootful and bangs my ear about his problems. Bad, they are, just about as bad as my own, though he, like the neighbor and others, have resources unavailable to me. He called last night; four hours of woozy, boozy repetitions later (at 1 a.m.) it was over.

Do I sound unsympathetic? Maybe I do, and I feel guilty about that.

Guilt over my own situation, which I seem to have no control over, guilt over not being able to pay my bills and debts. Add guilt for not being helpful enough for my friends.

It's a load I'm learning that I don't have the energy to continue carrying. I don't want people I care about to hurt, but then I don't want me to hurt either. I can see and feel the deterioration in my physical and mental health; I no longer have the strength to deal with what faces me alone. There is no reserve left for others.

I'll probably delete this later. It sounds too damn whiny and self-pitying.

Hell, I might come back and delete the whole freekin' journal. I don't really feel my thoughts are worth sharing. They're not good thoughts.

When one has nothing good to say, one should shut the hell up. I think I should take that to heart.

4 comments:

Class factotum said...

Oh Mr S. I wish there was something I could do to make things better for you.

Ptolemy said...

Me, too. You are so good at what you do that it's criminal, the situation you're in. My husband really enjoyed your articles in SCI -- he actually remembered them, when I mentioned you yesterday.

Dorrie said...

don't you dare delete! You still have a faithful following and if it helps you to spill out your thoughts here, even if it's whiny, then do so!

Don't ever feel guilty for not being able to help friends... too many of them can't help anyone else, either. Just continue to be them for them to let out their thoughts... they may not have such a ventile for doing that as you do here. The fact that they turn to you shows you are still wanted, needed, and worth knowing......

wildstorm said...

Scrib, it's hard times. So hard. I sure hate to see you going through all this. Don't feel guilty about not being able to help others. I am in the same boat and it is so hard, so frustrating. I can relate to your guilt too. Keep on board here.